boom...(cough)...boom...

Possibly the best collection of jokes: ever.

I'm sort of famous

Rolled in last night quite sozzled. Woke up this morning with what Withnail would call a "a bastard behind the eyeballs". So imagine my surprise to find sp3ccylad.com broken due to bandwidth issues. I check my email and well: tie me up and tickle me man bits... I'm in the b3ta newsletter with the Daisychain video. Quite the pleasant surprise.

Just in case you don't believe me: click for confirmation.

Update: a pleasing close to the circle here. I was going through the linky goodness in b3ta's newsletter when I spied a link to a toilet for people who had supersized themselves. And guess who's the chubby-but-lovely poster children for this gargantuan poop disposal unit?

No: I couldn't believe it either. Crikey.

A puzzle

The sp3ccylad.com site hit count suddenly went stratospheric these last few days. Frankly, it's all a bit puzzling.

This is the oddest thing: the photo above did a hell of a lot of the damage on its own. Viewed over 2000 times in 22 days. How inexplicable is that?

Any explanations will be welcomed, as I'm beginning to really damage my scalp with the head scratching I'm doing...

It's an odd place, the internet: innit?

Free fonty goodness: a decent link this time

Sorry. I screwed up the other week. I offered a link up - a really tempting one too, offering free fonty goodness - and it died within hours. Some things are just too good to be true.

No, hang on: here's the real deal.

Give a big "oh, thank goodness: you've arrived" to Fontleech: The Free Font Blog. It's too good, and it's true. A font version of 3hive.com (just click it, damnabbit!), it scours the web for fonts that are free to download. God only knows there's plenty out there: but you're busy. I understand.

So; go, my child. Download. AND BE POLITE. He's a nice man, you know. Tell him I sent you.

What were they thinking?

I dunno about you, but my TV has an off button.

Unlike these people who seem intent on giving TV they deem offensive a second airing.

I quite enjoyed some of it. But then you know how I feel about stuff.

Oh, no.

Hunter S Thompson commits suicide

A public service

Ever wanted to destroy the Earth? No, not the people on it - we've all wanted to do that. Well, you have. Sicko. Anyway, I'm talking about a far more ambitious er... ambition.

Destroying the Earth. The actual, physical Earth. It's a lot harder than it looks, actually. Anyway, if you're interested (and I know at least one person who will thank me for this for the simple joy of discussing it at some length) you can go here and learn all about it.

How do I sleep at night?

Scatological kiddies book

Who'd buy a children's book called EVERYONE POOPS?

Well, I'd link to it.

The Booty Ye Deserve! YAAAAARRRRRRR!

At last. A pirate lawyer who will give ninjas the legal broadside they deserve.

Here's a riddle...

Anybody remember the Monkeyman of Tonbridge Wells? A superhero for modern times, he helped little old ladies across the road in Kent. Letters were written to a local paper, the media went mad for him, and the story went around the globe. The fact that he was a figment of someone's imagination didn't stop the story snowballing.

Anyway, riddle time: what has the aforementioned Monkeyman got to do with my favourite album?

It's CCC - media prankster and now, bootlegger extraordinaire. He sent the emails that started the Monkeyman thing off, and now he's remixed The Beatles' Revolver album.

It's quite fantastic. Download it NOW before McCartney's lawyers jump all over it.

Short Words to Explain Relativity

There's nothing wrong with long words. I use them all the time. In fact I got rumbled as the sender of a joke valentine's card because I used the word 'fundamentally' and (as the recipient of the card said) "you're the only person in the office who knows how to spell it". What an inaccurate and depressing statement.

Anyway, what that rant brings me to is an attempt to explain the theory of relativity in words of four letters or less.

Although funny and oddly informative, it brings me to the inescapable conclusion that, sometimes, less is less.

Scary adverts, redux

It had to happen. I was looking at a load of these adverts and started stroking my chin in evil genius style. Then I listened to my music and thought...

I should combine the two.

Scary adverts

Odd Estonian adverts are the New Black (or something) right now, and this one is strangely arousing. It's for ice cream, but appears to be an odd subvariant of soft porn. Mmm, Pinguin.

Oh, heck - why not? Harry Egipt, who directed this erotic masterpiece, apparently produced quite a few Estonian adverts. Here's a page full of them.

Primitive iPod unearthed

Blimey. It's a genuine archeological scoop. And haven't they gone up in price?

Six-legged frog

Exactly what it says on the tin. Quite singular.

A whole new blogging experience

In just one click.

Fiddle with this

Musically, I mean. Tim Gerwing has put his track "Stream of Consciousness" up for remix and is offering a cash prize for the most popular. I chose my words carefully there.

I may have a crack, I may not. And I said that about NaNoWriMo too, and didn't. See here for the skinny on it.

Time for luurve

Here's a special for February 14th:

Candlelight - 3:03, 3.5MB stream

It's all fingersnaps and wakka-wakka. Lovely.

Kookery Korner

Amazing: step by step instructions, telling us how to fry an egg on an XP.

This has come just at the right time for me; my frying pan crashed yesterday.

Jesus is watching you

No, really: Jesus is watching you.

Space is big. No: really big.

When I lived in Oregon I used to cycle all the way through the solar system. No, this isn't some Eugene drugfest hallucination here: I used to use the Springfield-Eugene cycle path that lands you in Alton Baker Park by Ferry Street Bridge - and in Alton Baker Park is a scale model of the solar system. It's big. I think I only ever cycled out to Pluto once. It's clear out by Beltline, I tell ya.

Anyway, for those of us unable to get to the Willamete River bikepath any time soon I give you The Solar System. A web-based scale model of the solar system where 1 pixel=1000km. And no: your monitor isn't big enough. It did my head in - and bear in mind I've cycled to the outer reaches of the solar system. Maaaan.

Collage maker

Have fun. Mess with people's faces. Add your own. Never sleep peacefully again. All that: here.

Seven Degrees of Johnny Marr

Oh yes. I like this. You know how Pete Frame used to do those Rock Family Trees that appeared in the late 70s in the music press? They were lovely, nerdy pieces of work showing how bands intertwined, evolved and created "scenes". Well, this is the interweb's answer to that - at BandToBand.com you can pick any two listed bands and see how they're connected by shared links along the lines of "George Harrison was in The Beatles, who was also in The Traveling Wilburys with Jeff Lynne who was in, etc..."

Mind-boggling bit: to get from T Rex to The Smiths, you have to go via Deep Purple. Deep Purple. Who'da thunk it?

Strathaven folk knit themselves a room

That's it. A old people's home's residents have knitted themselves a room. There are pictures, should you not believe me.

Tasmanians are funny devils.

The Veritas Anthem

My regular readers (you, and the other one) will know all about my lack of regard for that excitable tangerine-skinned islamophobe Robert Kilroy-Silk. And it seems I'm not the only one. Eclectech, constantly dependable in the "performing rodents" genre, has teamed up with Doghorse to bring you their very own Veritas party song.

The combination of playground 'I can be more childish than you' humour and a kazoo-playing mouse make this a sure-fire hit. I give it ten out of five.

Is this...

the most unhelpful website ever?

All I wanted was their Leeds Depot address. *sigh*

Biscuits... from a more naive time

Back in the day, I worked for a major insurance company. The job was nothing special, but I had some interesting workmates. One of them was the son of the headmaster at Lawnswood School, up in the northern reaches of Leeds. Head Temp (for that was my nickname for him, along with Noddy and Tallboy my other colleagues) was saving to go on a Greyhound trip across the US. Having ridden Greyhound, I can only assume he's lucky to be alive.

Anyway. Shall I get to the point? Lawnswood School was once a girls-only school, and has a website remembering those halcyon days before the lads came along and dragged it into the mire.

Of course, they had cookery lessons: and this is a sample, highly non-PC recipe for (takes a deep breath before typing) Nig-Nog Biscuits. Eep. Did I just type that?

Fancy another, Mr Kilroy-Silk? I can give you the recipe, Mr Howard!

Crime pays. Sort of.

Got caught robbing a bank in the Netherlands? Not to worry, you can claim your expenses back.

A theme develops here at Sp3ccylad towers

I think I've found my next songwriting tool.

Wish I'd thought of that.

Missing the point. Which is the whole point.

Isn't technology great? I have my entire record collection (and then some) in my pocket. My computer is a 2" thick flat screen. Yet sometimes we can yearn for the solid feel of an stereogram, or an Atari cartridge... In fact: here's one converted to a 128MB flash drive.

Brendan Dawes. What a guy.

Viewmaster for the 21st Century

Starting at around £720... Cripes.

The War On Aneurism

Incapacity Benefit gets named as the new Al-Qaeda one day, and pretty much the next, this appears as the Government begins fighting The War On Aneurism. And it's scary stuff, I tell you:

"A man who completed the 2004 London Marathon dressed as Great Uncle Bulgaria has revealed that 90% of those he was competing against were in receipt of sickness payments."

How do we sleep at night?

Sp3ccylad does Heathrow

Well, did Heathrow. Slept in it, anyway. That was back in 1991 and I spent some of the time telling the "My dog's got no nose..." joke in German to a couple of girls from Stuttgart. Should you be the type of person who doesn't mind roughing it to save a few quid then The Budget Traveller's Guide to Sleeping in Airports is right up your street. Even if a room without room service feels like camping to you, there's enough content on this site to entertain for a while...

The customer is always stupid

Damn skippy. Welcome to the world of people with a budget and no idea. That's what web design is mostly all about anyway. In my experience, many businesses want a web presence for the same reason little girls want ponies. Which is why I enjoyed this collection of Stupid Client Quotes immensely...