It's memetime!

I'm not a great one for memes, but I'm in a playful mood right now. So - courtesy of mediawench.com - let's play the great iPod personality test! Woo.

How does it work. Simplicity itself. Put the iPod on shuffle. 15 songs, 15 questions. No skipping the lame, cheating verboten. Answer. Show the world.

Deep breath. Here goes.

1. How does the world see you?
Wesley Willis- "Fuck You"
Ooh, what a start. How do they see me? As a babbling savant, I suppose. How apposite. Oddly, I have a feeling people also see me as someone with a chip on my shoulder, which puzzles me. Hopefully, this happy message will dispel any misconceptions on that front.

2. Will I have a happy life?
The Colourfield- "Things Could Be Beautiful"
OK, Terry: I get the point. I could. It's in my hands. Wasn't it always?

3. What do my friends think of me?
The Wedding Present- "I'm Not Always So Stupid"
I'd like to think the title is indicative, but it probably isn't. Do they see me as someone with regrets, someone who burns his bridges? I wouldn't have thought so. Let's consult a lyric. What's Gedgey got to say that I can dowse a meaning out of? "Every time a car drives past I think it's you/Every time somebody laughs I think it's you" No: they see me as someone who needs new glasses and a hearing aid, evidently.

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
Boards of Canada- "Open The Light"
Well, if they do, they hide messages about it in rambling instrumentals with lots of panning and la-la-la-I'm-not-listening-stoppit-stoppit-stoppit. Stop it! Back to the tinfoil hat, I suppose.

5. How can I make myself happy?
New Order- "Round & Round"
Simple. Don't take shit from people. Ever. Remember the bad times for motivation and infuriate those who would spread misery by manufacturing your own good times. On the other hand, one could spin furiously until one collapses giggling and vomits copiously. Either works in my book. I should know. I've done both.

6. What should I do with my life?
Stevie Wonder- "For Once in My Life"
Wear sunglasses. Play killer harmonica. Recognise those who would make me happy and keep them close. And crucially: don't let sorrow hurt me - not like it hurt me before.

7. Will I ever have children?
Bob Dylan- "Lay, Lady, Lay"
Look, luv. I've got a big brass bed. Just hold still a moment. Shouldn't take long.

8. What is some good advice for me?
Badly Drawn Boy- "Dead Duck"
Feed people bitesized chunks. Don't throw the whole loaf. It hurts.

9. How will I be remembered?
Hard-Fi- "Hard to Beat"
And not just because I recognise danger and run accordingly - I'd like to be remembered as someone who "went for" things. Someone who left people gasping. Metaphorically speaking, I couldn't be a pedestrian.

10. What's my signature dance song?
Blur- "Battery In Your Leg"
"This is a ballad for the good times
So put a battery in your leg
Put a rock beat on the record
And get it stuck there in your head"

It's been stuck there for years. The beat, that is. Not a dance anthem, this though, is it? Next question!

11. What's my current theme song?
Syd Barrett- "No Man's Land"
"You would hold your head up high/You even try" Yes. I do. Thanks for recognising that, Syd. Now - back in the linen cupboard with you, you babbling fool.

12. What do others think my current theme song is?
ABBA- "Fernando"
"Others" are a funny bunch of people, me thinks. I'm glad a piece of pop like this should be seen as my theme song, but the reasoning is so beyond me it's untrue. Do they see me as a freedom fighter? Old? The Sp3ccylad mind, such as it is, boggles at this point.

13. What shall they play at my funeral?
The Teardrop Explodes- "Kilimanjaro"
Oh, now you're talking. Trippy genius Cope puts together a "strange and beautiful piece that sounded like it was recorded in a volcano on a Pacific atoll." If I thought that a funeral was a rite of passage in a journey, then this would be great. As it is. I'd play it just to freak people out, and it'd be great. Better still, drop the lights and then play it, then hire an actor to burst out of my coffin. Su-perb.

14. What type of men do I like?
Chumbawamba- "How To Get Your Band On Television"
Sorry, but I'm changing the gender of the question here. I'll use women instead. So sue me. Anyway, where were we? The type that fully grasps the meaning of the maxim "optimism of the will, pessimism of the intellect" and - crucially - acts upon it. Someone who can confront the sacred cows of received wisdom and still make me laugh helplessly: much like this marvellous song that takes me back to having green hair and dossing in an old miner's cottage near Woolley Colliery back in 1987. The women I shared the place with could all be described in that way - some of the most fabulous people I ever shared part of my life with.

Anne Ryan, where are you now?

15. How's my love life?
Ivor Cutler- "Not Big Enough"
I am instructing my lawyer to sue my iPod.

Right. I'm now meant to pass this on - so I'm trying to think of someone who cares about his music. B&Massa - the floor is yours, such that it is.