Citizen! Stop that! NOW!

Just when you think things are about as Orwellian as they can get, we edge just a little bit closer to the precipice with the latest wacky scheme. This time, the powers-that-be aren't content with watching us constantly with CCTV.

Britain is already the most watched nation in the world: there's 1 camera for every 14 people in the UK. Probably more, as that figure was quoted last year.

So, we get watched all the time. It's just another infringement of what little privacy we have left. Even more so, with the latest trend, which is for cameras that talk back. Yes, citizen, you read that correctly. Cameras are being fitted with loudspeakers so you can be told off by a CCTV operator. Seeing as putting people in the stocks has been rendered illegal by that pesky human rights legislation they keep on importing, they're going to tick us off, right there, in the street instead.

But who decides what deserves public embarrassment and what is passable behaviour? Who gets cut a bit of slack and who gets pulled up? You see, this is what worries me about the whole venture. No doubt the same arguments will be trotted out as for ID cards - you know, the old saws along the lines of "if you've got nothing to hide..." and the whole idea will appeal to the type of Daily Mail reader nostagic for the village bobby giving miscreants a quick clip around the ear, but I have extreme doubts about the whole thing.

You see, everybody has prejudices. Everybody. I'm not so arrogant as to claim I'm prejudice free, and neither should anybody else. It's just that some people are less able to keep their prejudices in check than others, that's all. I don't wish to run the risk of being the target of some CCTV operator's petty likes or dislikes - but sooner or later I fear I won't have a choice.

And there's one other thing - we're the most watched society in the world, yeah? Well, consider this. I was witness to a rather nasty assault in Leeds about 18 months ago. I remember picking the victim up afterwards (sans half a front tooth) and telling her not to worry; CCTV's all over this bloody city - so apprehending the culprit shouldn't be a problem.

The result? Not one picture of the culprits was recorded on camera. Not one. Not one of any of the five blokes fleeing together. Not one of the victim lying prone on the floor. Nothing - in spite of the fact that it took place on Briggate: Leeds' busiest shopping area. It might as well have never happened.

So is it really all just a sham constructed to make up for a lack of police officers on the ground? Considering most of the people with police connections I know bemoan the paperwork, bang on about "too much political correctness" and secretly wish they could act like Gene Hunt from Life On Mars, you know; the talking camera might just be the safer option.

Even then, they don't always work, as this rather odd story proves...