The sky is falling

Don't worry though, there's an escape route: through a wormhole...

It'll never catch on.

Collecting Nazi dolls, I mean:

"i have to hide them when my family comes to visit, or else they'll think i am retarded."

I know. Some people, eh?

Hit by a tsunami? You need Jesus.

The odd thing is, none of this rather depressing article actually surprises me.

THE THOUGHT PROJECT

An interesting site where a bunch of strangers got asked what they were thinking of in the moment before they were stopped and snapped.

Nice. Elegant.

The Thought Project.

I've written something a bit out of character here...

MP3, streaming, 3.93 MB

Could this be described as a proper song? Goodness only knows. Anyway, don't listen to this if you're in a foul mood, as this is almost distressingly perky.

Basically, what I'm saying is; "Dewdrop, look away NOW." Don't say I didn't warn you.

Blimey

iWant one

Or I would if they'd used a different font. You all know how I feel about Comic Sans. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, I give you iKazoo.

The perils of thinking way too much... or not enough

Oh lordy. I was faffing around looking for a guitar tab when I found this page. Execreble midi and a most half-baked set of assertions as John Lennon's (Just Like) Starting Over gets analysed to death. Badly.

Photo manipulation: the darker side

I wonder how Keira Knightley feels about this?

Ugly band

I need say no more. Go. Laugh.

Sp3ccylad would like to announce that he's now got the most badass mullet ever. Trailer-trash highlights, the whole lot. I'm not confrontational at all.

Teen Angst In Excelsis

There's getting angry at your parents, and then there's this:

"A 15-year-old Poynette boy is being held in Columbia County Jail for attempted murder after he allegedly tried to poison his family over a five-week period."

Now: that's not normal, isn't it? But: read the detail. It gets odder. Especially the bit about the closet. Hmm.

My head hurts

Is there somebody - anybody - out there who can explain (and I mean explain) this entertaining piece of flash nonsense?

A new song

Wah-Wah Waa
2:39, 3.1MB streaming.

A nice slice of dub for Thursday. Have a listen, leave a comment.

You need a hobby, don't you?

Of course you need a hobby. You can't spend your life in front of the internet. No. Trust me. You can't. So why not build an AGC? John Pultorak has.

What's an AGC? John, please explain:

"The AGC is the flight computer for the Apollo moon landings, with one unit in the command module and one in the LEM.

I built it in my basement. It took me 4 years.

If you like, you can build one too. It will take you less time, and yours will be better than mine."

I admire your faith, John, but you've never seen me handle a soldering iron. Should you wish to give it a go, here are the instructions.

Flame Warriors

Welcome to daytime posting: brought to you by an odd medical anomaly, causing a colossal dental abscess and being treated by metronidazole. Ugh.

I used to run a health-related discussion group on the internet and at the time it fulfilled a need. In fact, a whole lot of lasting good inadvertently sprung up from it. However, it eventually became a millstone around my neck and I stopped accepting new messages. What amused me as I looked at the history of these kind of groups was that the people that were the eventual undoing of this particular group (and not all of them were intentional players either) recurred as types over and over again elsewhere.

It seems I'm not the only person to think that. Enjoy this utterly spot-on rogues gallery of people who collectively need to get out more...

Annoying Dewdrop: a masterclass

Somebody out there has made a photo blog comprised of nothing but cleavage.

This is not an endorsement, blah blah blah.

Crazy weather photos

I'm known as a bit of a weatherhead at work. It never really featured in my life, though, until I moved to Oregon: then I saw weather forming on a grand scale (in fact, for the first time in my life saw nature on a grand scale) and I got hooked. I love the way North Americans feel more at home with weather and the science of it. Us Brits use it for small talk, and little else. A shame, given our fascinating climate.

Anyway here's a long, long page full of weather photos from what was a pretty mad year all in all.

It starts slow and gets spectacular - be patient and stay with it.

The Shat sings Rocket Man

Bill Shatner: helluva guy. Been ploughing his own furrow for years. And I have here, for your delectation and delight, the man himself on video. Wonderfully, he's being introduced by Bernie Taupin, no less, before three (yes!) William Shatners interpret Rocket Man.

What more can you want from life? One promise: no laughing - Bill Shatner's got a new album out called Has Been and from the bits I've heard of it it's actually VERY good.

William Shatner, I salute you. And not in a Trekkie kind of way.

Increase the iron in your diet...

...by using your microwave to melt metal:

"The microwave work was triggered by a short reference to the refining of rare earth metals, at Illawara Technology Centre, which was mentioned by a visitor to the Central Saint Martins foundry, Dennis Glaser. Since these metals melt at temperatures above 800 degrees Celcius, it seemed possible that the method could be adapted to melt and cast small objects in the workshop or studio. If this could be done a domestic microwave would, effectively, become a cheap and accessible furnace."

I am so glad we didn't have the internet when I was a teenager. I'm put in mind of the time when I got paranoid about burglars and tried to wire up the window frame to the mains. Result? No lights, blown fuses and me trying to look nonchalant, as any other response may have invoked a somewhat disproportionate response from my dad.

It's Just a Plant. Isn't it?

No, it's a moral panic. But that's not the way the writers of the children's book It's Just a Plant would have you belei---

Stop there. Did I just type children's book? Good. I got the apostrophe right. My inner Lynne Truss can sleep at night. Phew.

I was talking about a children's book about marijuana, wasn't I? As you do. Anyway, I was wondering which of my readership was going to tell the Daily Mail about this one. Actually, best not. They may explode.

On the other hand, that may be a good thing. To the phones, people!

Just what you always wanted

Hey, you: you know how you're always telling me that you want to see Quicktime movies of Hungarian TV ads? Yeah? And if possible these should be from the 1980s? Well, it looks like your wish just came true. As the sausage advert says (and I hope to bejeebus it is a sausage advert):

"ez a jóska, ez a gyurka
ez meg itt a véres hurka..."

Magical: and utterly, utterly inexplicable. Just like foreign telly should be.

Pimp my trousers out, or something

Wanting to make a statement when you're out with Piff Doddy or whatever Sean "crowd control" Combs is calling himself this week? Well, the statement you'll make if you wear the LED Scrolling Text IcedOut Belt Buckle is "I am a complete and utter twunt".

I'm the same height as Brad Pitt.

Oh, and Anna Nicole Smith. How do I know? I went here.

Big Stuff

No. That's it. A shop that sells Great Big Stuff. Go there. Click on "Products". It's fun. Trust me.

What? You want me to hold your hand? Oh, just GO!

Aw, bless

Don't tell me you haven't done something similar to this at least once.

Unless you're me, because I knew it would make me look like a mentalist if I did.

Eep!

I mean LOOK AT THESE DRAWINGS!

Video Dating

What a marvellous way to find your latest true love.

David Firth has made a real-life documentary about the whole scene, in the medium of badly drawn animation. Magic.

One question. Finbar Mallon: what exactly was his fee?

Adult Industry Invading Cellphones

Ha. Try explaining this when your phone rings at work.

Animelds

Anybody who's seen my gallery will see why Animelds makes me laugh. OL.

By popular demand

What a hunk.

Phwoar! Who says I don't respond to my readership?

300 Treasures

...is a selection of three hundred documents from Amsterdam's municipal archives that have been showcased on the web. They range from the forensically fascinating (a police report of the theft of Anne Frank's bicycle as mentioned in the diary entry for 24th June 1942, 12 days before she went into hiding) through the frankly puzzing (a 1413 statute forbidding sex in graveyards) to the heartbreaking (silent footage of the 1945 Dam Square Massacre).

One for the history buffs, I feel. I liked it. 300 Treasures

Music time!

Told you I was working on something; this is it. All finished.

Done Screaming (MP3, 6.2MB)

The sound of someone past exhaustion, about to hit the nuclear button on a relationship at four in the morning. Autobiographical, but not recently so. Enjoy.

Flash Mountain

In my experience, flashing boobies is a peculiarly American pastime. Don't ask.

Anyway, I'd thought I'd get the collection of weboddities off to a flying start with this collection of photos taken at the point in Disneyland's Splash Mountain attraction where they take a picture of the participants. In each picture, someone thought it a good idea to get their boobies out. Possibly not all that Safe For Work, by the way. Well, duh.

As for this, like the last boobie-related post on this here blog, it is offered with no particular endorsement. I just feel it is my duty to bring it to your attention before somebody far more irresponsible than myself does so.

Back again

I've been away a few days, blogging wise. Got myself a new MIDI keyboard and have been obsessively polishing songs like a mad scientist. Apologies for my lack of time management here. The results will be posted soon, when I've tickled up the levels a bit. That's technical, that.

Anyway, I was pleased to note that the BBC finally ran the subject matter of my Make Love, Not War While We Make War, Not Love post: a full 12 days later.

It made me smile.

World Gone Mad: Official

Welcome to the crazy world of Charles Graner's defence lawyer in this Times Online report:

"“Don’t cheerleaders all over America make pyramids every day?” asked Guy Womack, who is acting for Specialist Graner. “It’s not torture.”"

Are we losing our humanity, one procedural point at a time?

Animal Reviews

Yes. That's right. Reviews of animals. And why the hell not?

"This website is more than just an invaluable tool - it's a revolutionary new way of appreciating the animal kingdom. Where else can you find animals reviewed and rated as if they were a new summer blockbusting release at your local cinematheque, or a new computer cassette game for your cutting edge Commodore 64 home computer?

Through a combination of careful scientific research and educated guesswork, we can help all those of you who have climbed aboard the Animal Titanic, only to find the monkey bar has run out of ice."

This is possibly the first essential site of the new century.

Gas Station Websites

Here's something that puzzles me: why would a service station need a website? This website gives a possible answer: because they're hilarliously awful!

Yes, I'm aware of the mis-spelling of "hilariously". I'm sure it's ironic. Joking aside, this has to be one of the best collection of bad websites I've even seen.

Free fonty goodness

I used to design web pages at one time. No, it's a crappy way to make money.

Anyway. One thing that I used to get all worked up about was font usage. A spell working in a sign shop in the late 90s cemented that for me: we used to get obsessive about leading, kerning and character shape. You'd be surprised at some of the work that goes into something hanging on a wall that you just glance at, and how easy it is to make it look wrong. We'd sweat for an hour over the shape of an 's' if we didn't have the exact match off-the-shelf. We'd argue over close matches. It's serious business. Fonts: you need plenty.

And that maxim isn't just for designers, but civilians too. Comic Sans does not make your sign/flyer/website look informal. It makes it look crap. No, really; it does.

So: here's 300 Free Truetype Fonts You Should Have. And there's some nice ones there. Trust me.

300. Free. Fonts. What are you waiting for? GO!

The Museum of Food Anomalies™

An utterly enjoyable romp through the world of deformed food.

Did I really just type that? Jeeze.

Phantom Limb Symposium

Oh yeah. My favourite body oddity: Phantom Limbs:

"Since its original description in 1866 by the Neurologist S. Mitchell, the phantom limb phenomena have attracted many scholars across a broad spectrum of fields. The phenomena describe the condition found in many amputees in which sensation of the removed limb persists. As such, it has served as a metaphor for many ideas in other fields beyond the scope of neurobiology and neuropsychology including philosophy, psychoanalysis, cultural studies, anthropology, literature, film and art. "

Art, they say? Will they be looking at my favourite episode of I Am Weasel? Awwww. Baboon hope so.

Death - the last taboo

And isn't it just? So how's about an Interactive Autopsy.

Woohoo!

The God simulator

So: you're God. What do You do?

Warning: may offend. But then so might everything, if you're that way inclined.

Apocalypse wow.

Mad weather in Huddersfield today. Storm force winds are forecast and freezing cold rain has been pelting down. So, you can imagine lunchtime today was a bit of a spectator sport.

Best sights? Well, second best was watching some poor woman who thought it was a cute kind of fashion statement to have a kiddies' umbrella with Miffy on it. Ha! Not when it's raining sideways it isn't. I felt quite smug with my rather robust parka on.

Secondly, I was passing Boots when I saw an trashed umbrella on the floor: curiously it was next to a bin. I was wondering why it had been dumped like that when I happened to look at the bin - which was full of umbrellas. I was so amused by this that I got even wetter taking a picture. Apologies for the quality: it was under duress, as anybody in Huddersfield will tell you.

It's one of those sights you don't get to see too often. My workmates think I'm a bit mad, but I'm rather glad I carry a camera with me at all times.

Monkeybird!

Staples' shares rise sharply...

That's my exclusive prediction for the financial world. In fact all stationery suppliers will experience an upturn in business as this criss-crosses t'interweb. You see: I've seen what time can do to the crazed kid.

A daft, almost brain-dead game

One that I enjoyed for a few minutes: you pretend to be a film or TV character and you get asked questions which you answer "yes" or "no" to.

It's just like playing with your sister, only she doesn't cheat, get bored or pull your hair. Go on Guess the Character!

MP3 madness

From o5ymy5o who deserves a knighthood for his Pat n' Peg EastEnders mash-up alone.

50 sound files to be uploaded, one per week, over 2005. Bookmark it.

And where the hell have YOU been, young man?

Honestly. I treat this place like a hotel. Which could be worse. This could be The Who's blog.

Think it through.

Anyway, I've been making music, and this takes time. So, I feel it only fair you get first crack at it. It's called Spiraldust and you can get to a 2.7 MB mp3 file by clicking on the cover art below. I recommend listening to it on decent speakers or headphones. Download it. Listen.

Comments? I'm getting a thick skin now, so fire away.

Scary two-legged thing

Sign up for "Patriotic Internet Access"...

...and win a .50 calibre Armalite rifle.

In spite of the fact that their homepage doesn't work on Firefox on the Mac. Numbskulls.

Jenny, are you there?

When I was a kid, there was a song by a bunch of one-hit wonders called City Boy called 5705 with the refrain "5-7-0-5/But there's no reply". There was. I checked it. Sincere apologies to the people who had Grantham 5705, by the way.

People on the west side had a similar song by Tommy Tutone called Jenny, are you there? (867-5309). This song caused similar havoc to City Boy's opus, leading to the urban legend that phone companies no longer give out 867-5309 any more.

Oh, but do they? Some guy with free weekend long distance and what my workmates would witheringly call "too much time on his hands" did a research project and rang every 867-5309 going as a kind of... um... research project, I suppose. And, like all good researchers, he logged the results here for your delectation and delight. And yes: some of them do connect.

That's what I love about t'interweb: someone will try out these ideas so I don't have to...

True stuff

We had a quiz at work on Christmas Eve. I had to argue an idiotic point on Shakespeare to get us into joint 1st place (I only have a degree in Theatre. No special pleading there) only to have everybody ignore me on the tiebreaker and lose because of it. I have a brain stuffed with stuff and people don't want to use it. Bah.

How come I know so much stuff? Because I read true stuff like this:

"There are millions of things you don't know about the world. As human beings it is our job to keep educating ourselves and become better people. It is impossible to know everything (unless you are a monk), but the least you can do is try your best. Here is a collection of amazing facts about the world which you didn't know (or you knew about them but then forgot because you were busy learning other stuff)"

You're in awe, aren't you? You'll be deadly at pub quizzes soon, I tell you.

Make Love, Not War While We Make War, Not Love

Apparently, and I'm having problems mentally processing this, a USAF Military Lab proposed using aphrodisiacs as chemical weapons. Aphrodisiacs.

Ah, take a look for yourself. I wouldn't want to spoil it for you.

You know, people get paid taxpayers' money to think this tripe up. And I'm seriously looking forward to the first piece of seriously daft governmental rubbish our Freedom of Information Act unearths.

Oh Dear...

Strong rumour has it that my employer is considering homeworking. So (he smirks) why does this highly witty animation feel like a portent of the future?

HE LOOKS LIKE....

Every idea is waiting for its time to come. 2005 is the time. The idea is HE LOOKS LIKE.... The Morbid Game of Psychoanalyzing Strangers in Pictures.

It's that simple and (c'mon), we've all done it. Look at a picture and invent the life behind it.

I may well join in, but I suspect t'wife may be better at it.

Yay! Children's records!

My regular reader will yawn when I mention vintage sound files, as they are a bit of an obsession with me. So imagine my delight at the launch of Kiddie Records Weekly, a year-long project that celebrates blah, blah, blah... let the website explain...

"For the entire 2005 year, Basic Hip Digital Oddio will be featuring weekly stories and songs from the golden age of children's records, a period which ran from the mid 1940s into the early 1950s. This era produced a wealth of classics, headed by Capitol's Record-Readers and the RCA Victor Little Nipper series. Each one of these recordings has been carefully transferred from the original 78s (plus a few 45s) and encoded to MP3 format for you to download and enjoy."

Now, they're not archiving the MP3s past the week they're featured, so make the most of it.

Can't wait for Rusty , me.

Smashmyphone - We take care of your phone.

Just when you thought there was an end to the relentless niche marketing on the web, Smashmyphone.com goes one stage further. Ladies in heels smash cellphones.

Er... That's it.

And it's a pay site which has "no obscene language, no nudity, no suggestive images, no erotic content, and no sexual acts. We are not adult content producers or distributors." I'm interested to see how this site fares over the next year...

Conservatism's ugly untruths

I can't deny 2004 was a politically disappointing year for me. I think you can guess the reasons why and this is not a place to go into depth about it. This page will probably do the talking at least as eloquently and far more succinctly.

Horrid, isn't it?.

The hangover has gone...

...and The Semaphore Ninja has a message for you all.