Back at work

Today, it's back to the grind; I've just come back from 9 days doing naff all on the Costa del Huddersfield. It's been great. I look back at the last 9 days and I honestly can't work out what the heck I did with them. Still, they're gone now. And do I feel refreshed? No, is the short answer. It's all down to last night.

I didn't sleep at all. Do you know, there's something about this job that's bothering me below the surface and I can't put my finger on it. I know that feeling. It's the same feeling I used to get when I lived in the US and my immigration status was in doubt. It also kind of bothered me going back to work today and I wish I could articulate why. Now I'm here, it's taking a while to get into the swing of things; remembering how the heck I do my job is proving to be more problematic than I thought. It's certainly going slowly. At the time of writing, I've been here 2hrs and 10 mins and I could quite happily swear it seemed double that.

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I get the oddest feeling something very strange is happening. Now, I'm not the type of person to be aggressive to people: I despise aggressiveness in other people. But, for some reason, wherever I go, I seem to walk into a firestorm of aggression. My present workplace is no exception. I don't know how I make people uncomfortable enough to react that way, but I do. To me, people act as though they spot a vulnerability in me, yet (when I talk about it) people say I come across as a very strong character; that they don't see that vulnerability. Am I threatening people unwittingly? Or do I just overestimate the maturity levels that people bring to the workplace?

I tell you: if I weighed 40 lbs more, I'd bet you I wouldn't be having these thoughts. I really believe that sincerely: that we STILL, as adults, base too many of our choices on the playground measure of "can they hurt me?" In other words, our natural impulse is not to respect others but to do the maximum we can get away with in a situation. What really hacks me off is that I'm still puzzling this out at the age of 40, when people far younger than me have got past the stage of caring about such fripperies.