The Video for "Green"

Another of me vids. It's a bit trippy, man.

A maddening game

That is a thing of beauty.

Part II: Laura K. Krishna is Just a Dumb Kid With a Nice Mom

And this is how it ends.

Return of the Mac

Hm. This article, about how hackers (and therefore future programmers) are returning to Apple, makes me feel both quite warm inside and very, very old.

Radio DavidByrne.com

Man with impeccable taste makes excellent internet radio station.

LISTEN.

Laura K. Krishna is a Plagiarist.

Oh what fun. Lazy student trolls for people to do her work for her and gets stiffed in a totally just way.

Serves her right (says someone who got his degree properly).

More wisdom.

"i think is sick and i think you should take it off the internet"

She's a giggle. Bless.

Anonymous Email - Anonymous SMS - April Fools Day 2005

Get in there!

Email from groovy_sis04@yahoo.co.uk - #2 in an occasional series

Off she goes again!

"what is your real age and what gender are you female or male and can you please tell my you are sending me e-mails my brother and my boyfriend are getting pissed of with you and i am only young so please tell who you are and how are you are"

How are you are? Uh?

A melancholy musical moment

It's not without regret that I go back to work tomorrow. I've had a fruitful period creatively and that's been cool, but it's bye-bye to individualism, isn't it?

So: I thought I'd produce something to get it out of my system.

I was thinking about songs that celebrated individualism, and I remembered one in particular: and as it's a cover version, it's exclusive to this website.

So, I present to you my version of Robyn Hitchcock's Queen Elvis II. Enjoy.

The secret life of moody cows

Cows, it seems, have hidden depths. As you will see with this quote of the decade:

“Cows look calm, but really they are gay nymphomaniacs”

I make no apologies for blogging a month-old Times article here. All three of my regular readers will know that I don't read The Times as its crossword is a load of shyt.

Go on:

Try and get this through airport security.

Sugar Bush Squirrel-Supermodel Squirrel & Military Mascot

I can feel my credulity stretching.

"Sugar Bush Squirrel is a real, live Eastern Gray Squirrel who is owned and photographed by Ms. Kelly Foxton. Rescued from a tree, she is now living the 'good life' with Kelly in Boca Raton, Florida."

Just hold on a moment there. Rescued from a tree? A squirrel?

Put me out of my misery.

A stroke of genius

Expressing pop songs in outliner format:

"# things u don't have 2 be:

* beautiful
* experienced
* rich
* cool

# in order 2:

* turn me on
* turn me out
* be my girl
* rule my world

# things 2 do:

* leave it all up 2 me
* act your age

# things not 2 do:

* talk dirty
* be 2 flirty
* act your shoe size

# things you don't have 2 watch 2 have an attitude:

* dynasty

# sign that i'm more compatible with:

* none

# what i want that is yours:

* your body

- between dusk and dawn

* extra time
* kiss"

There's tons of them there. It amused me.

Email from groovy_sis04@yahoo.co.uk - #1 in an occasional series

I was bored. So I emailed her. She was giving me so much pleasure and all, so I called to say I loved her.

"who are you and i dont even know who you are and why did you send me that e-mail and how did you get my e-mail address please reply even though i dont know who you are but i want to know why you sent me that e-mail and you dont even know who i am from me i dont love you and I AM NOT JEALOUS THAT THE VOICES CHOSE YOUR HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I have more.

Civil engineering with 1¢ coins

Only a few years ago, the index in the yellow pages used to read "Boring: see Civil Engineers". No doubt a load of well-meaning, unironic people writing in green ink on Basildon Bond paper have changed that. Still, the impression lingers.

Ah well. Anyway, I diidn't find this demonstration of civil engineering skills involving only pennies boring at all. In fact, it's quite spiffing.

Honest.

Teenage entertainment, c. 1979

Most of my entertainment around this period consisted of punk/new wave music and the sort of pastimes that gave me a great funk guitar strum.

On the other hand, Jackie readers got to knit their own fry up.

When this website is unearthed by webarcheologists in the 29th century, they will note numerous themes. Knitted household objects will be amongst them.

Oh, god: I'm sorry.

As if going offline wan't bad enough: I'll...er... clean it up.

Sorry again.

Pet Pillows

Please supply your own write up for this. I can't. I just can't.

Dewdrop, the floor is yours.

Running Bats

Now this is bad news. Vampire bats can run. Er, super.

On a related note, octopuses (octopi?) are now walking their way out of trouble in the manner of an.... er, well:

"Instead of its usual sprawling crawl, O. marginatus fled from divers by striding on two arms, with the rest of its arms wrapped around its body, giving it the appearance of a walking coconut."

So: they not only have better evolved eyes than us, but they have better silly walks to boot.

Eight-legged freaks.

More great comments from groovy_sis04

"THIS IS FUCKING SCARY TAKE IT OF THE INTERNET OR I WILL GET YOU DONE"

It's great to be appreciated. It's better to be done, though.

And I speak as somebody who has....

Stop me.

What I did during my absence, by Sp3ccylad

I did this:

(I'm supplying the lower quality link this time, as it's a long one - a full 6-and-a-half minutes worth of epic.)

Life Goes On - 3.7 MB

This is big in many senses of the word. I'm quite astounded by what formed before my very eyes.

I'd really appreciate feedback.

Oh dear.

An open letter to an un-named graphic designer:

Next time you get the job of designing a logo for a paediatric clinic, for goodness' sake; THINK.

best regards,
Sp3ccylad

Normal Service Has Been Resumed

Sorry about that. We've seen the last of the bandwidth hell that was Daisychain's appearance in the b3ta newsletter last month. I would have been back on sooner, but my hosting was a bit slow to react to my cries to help - resulting on us being snuffed out at the beginning of the Easter period... and I'll just stop there, shall I?

It's good to be back.

They don't love all girls

Opportunity time. Here we have a site that sells "I love xxx nationality girls" T-shirts, and they don't have "I love American Girls".

The field is wide open. Yippee!

A solar furnace in Seattle (the triumph of science over climate)

Oh yes. Somebody up in the PNW has built his very own Solar Death Ray.

And why not?

Jeeze. I get so annoyed when people say

...I have too much time on my hands when all I've done is describe a really good web page.

LOOK, numpties: this is what happens when you have too much time on your hands. OK?

*seethes*

Swap a library book - any library book - for your car

That's the way it looks if you're living in Arlington, Virginia.

By now, they must have the best stocked libraries in the good ol' US of etc.

In a po-faced moment, I'd like to say that I always thought the library system of Springfield, OR was fantastic.

I'd get one...

But parking is so expensive.

Hold on; this isn't right...

Is this a real guide to leaving Mexico, written by the Mexican Government, or am I being duped? I did Spanish for a year at school, but I sucked at it.

Any help out there?

The Rude Tube

And no, I'm not talking about the Jools Holland "groovy fuckers" incident. I'm talking about this: a stupidly hilarious map of the London Underground that owes more than a little bit to the twisted brainright that is Chris Morris.

An aside. When I was in my 20's (and therefore old enough to know better), I used to buy copies of The Times to read on long train journeys. Actually I never read it. Too insufferably pompous. I used to make a big show of filling in the crossword. Or appearing to. I'd see how many swear words I could fit into the crossword grid. If they were badly spelt in order to fit in, I'd award myself extra points. Then I'd leave it on the train for some freeloader to pick up.

It amused me, anyway.

Oooer.

Well, this is novel:

"The problem of dog overpopulation is a real one. However, the noble goal of preventing unwanted dog pregnancy does not justify the means being used. Millions of brutal forced castrations and female genital mutilations take place every year in America. We need to put a stop to these atrocities and give every living creature the respect it deserves."

Yes. Dog condoms. More an idea than a product right now.

I don't envy the poor bugger who gets to put one on the dog.

I want one of these

As a gift, you understand. Not for me.

Gallery Comment of the Month

From: groovy_sis04@yahoo.co.uk (Sat Mar 12 15:48:08 2005)

"i think this should be took of the internet roght away because of the little kids that go on this sight and look up animals and find this it will give them nightmares for ages you sick people"

Why, thank you.

Sp3ccylad in liking caravan shock

Yes. I like Airstream trailers. Who doesn't? They're beyond cool.

I also like guitars.

One of my readers knows what's coming.

It's this. God help me. It's cheap, dirty and horrid. My local music shop has one. Ugh.

Good for a giggle. No more. Now: go and have a shower.

Then tell me all about it. I dare you.

Germans have no sense of humour

Bollocks. Of course they have. My wife is half-German and her choices in all three of her husbands display a developing wry humour. I, of course, am the pinnacle of all this - the punchline, if you will. God knows she's no desire to build on the joke.

Then there's my mother-in-law: her linguistically tortured observations on American life and every state other than Oregon and Alaska (and sometimes Alaska got it in the neck) had me in stitches regularly. "Eye-da-ho? Zhey farm dirt zhere! Fockin' cotton-pickin po-day-does..." My mother-in-law, by the way, was the only woman who could mix "cotton-pickin'" and "fucking" in the same sentence convincingly.

Anyway: you want links? Oh; you dirty link-whores.

Here's one. Look at this photo first.


Ugh. Anyway given photoshop and a bit of imagination, a bunch of people came up with this.

Well, I enjoyed it.

Hen hoover

This is not a windup. This is from a Texan company who specialise in the... er... hoovering of chickens, apparently.

I can't explain this.

You'll see why when you click it.

(Bad language alert: in case you don't like that sort of thing.)

29 years ago, this could have saved Bill Grundy's career

Ex-Sex Pistols' bassist Glen Matlock (not to be confused with the dead one) has gone all anti-swearing on us in an interview to be screened this Sunday on C4 according to an article in today's Grauniad.

What a fucking rotter.

Protect copyright!!!

Do your bit by shopping people who sing Happy Birthday.

Sounds like a good idea at my time in life.

Ukulele robots

"If there's one thing I love more than robots," as Timperley's finest Frank Sidebottom* once said, "it's MORE robots." Damn skippy, Frank.

Mike and Jarvis agree, because they've built a ukulele-playing robot. Out of Lego.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think I've seen the future.

*When I bought Frank's Firm Favourites in 1985 after seeing an article in the NME about him, I wrote to Frank - with my left hand - asking him a number of besotted fan-style questions (so compounding the joke), including "Do you like Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons?" His reply? "I like Captain Scarlet, but not the Mysterons, because they're baddies". Class.

Avoiding Tolls On The Massachusetts Turnpike

Well, not quite avoiding: more finding creative ways of paying them. Like fruit. And IOUs. IOUs signed "Mariah Carey".

I featured this guy sometime back when he was testing the limits of credit card signatures. And this is another winner. Enjoy!

Clever Rabbit Scam

No, not a scam involving a clever rabbit. A clever scam involving a rabbit. Duh!

Wish I'd thought of it.

I Blog Like An Idiot

And other people just park like one.