My head hurts

Is there somebody - anybody - out there who can explain (and I mean explain) this entertaining piece of flash nonsense?

A new song

Wah-Wah Waa
2:39, 3.1MB streaming.

A nice slice of dub for Thursday. Have a listen, leave a comment.

You need a hobby, don't you?

Of course you need a hobby. You can't spend your life in front of the internet. No. Trust me. You can't. So why not build an AGC? John Pultorak has.

What's an AGC? John, please explain:

"The AGC is the flight computer for the Apollo moon landings, with one unit in the command module and one in the LEM.

I built it in my basement. It took me 4 years.

If you like, you can build one too. It will take you less time, and yours will be better than mine."

I admire your faith, John, but you've never seen me handle a soldering iron. Should you wish to give it a go, here are the instructions.

Flame Warriors

Welcome to daytime posting: brought to you by an odd medical anomaly, causing a colossal dental abscess and being treated by metronidazole. Ugh.

I used to run a health-related discussion group on the internet and at the time it fulfilled a need. In fact, a whole lot of lasting good inadvertently sprung up from it. However, it eventually became a millstone around my neck and I stopped accepting new messages. What amused me as I looked at the history of these kind of groups was that the people that were the eventual undoing of this particular group (and not all of them were intentional players either) recurred as types over and over again elsewhere.

It seems I'm not the only person to think that. Enjoy this utterly spot-on rogues gallery of people who collectively need to get out more...

Annoying Dewdrop: a masterclass

Somebody out there has made a photo blog comprised of nothing but cleavage.

This is not an endorsement, blah blah blah.

Crazy weather photos

I'm known as a bit of a weatherhead at work. It never really featured in my life, though, until I moved to Oregon: then I saw weather forming on a grand scale (in fact, for the first time in my life saw nature on a grand scale) and I got hooked. I love the way North Americans feel more at home with weather and the science of it. Us Brits use it for small talk, and little else. A shame, given our fascinating climate.

Anyway here's a long, long page full of weather photos from what was a pretty mad year all in all.

It starts slow and gets spectacular - be patient and stay with it.

The Shat sings Rocket Man

Bill Shatner: helluva guy. Been ploughing his own furrow for years. And I have here, for your delectation and delight, the man himself on video. Wonderfully, he's being introduced by Bernie Taupin, no less, before three (yes!) William Shatners interpret Rocket Man.

What more can you want from life? One promise: no laughing - Bill Shatner's got a new album out called Has Been and from the bits I've heard of it it's actually VERY good.

William Shatner, I salute you. And not in a Trekkie kind of way.

Increase the iron in your diet...

...by using your microwave to melt metal:

"The microwave work was triggered by a short reference to the refining of rare earth metals, at Illawara Technology Centre, which was mentioned by a visitor to the Central Saint Martins foundry, Dennis Glaser. Since these metals melt at temperatures above 800 degrees Celcius, it seemed possible that the method could be adapted to melt and cast small objects in the workshop or studio. If this could be done a domestic microwave would, effectively, become a cheap and accessible furnace."

I am so glad we didn't have the internet when I was a teenager. I'm put in mind of the time when I got paranoid about burglars and tried to wire up the window frame to the mains. Result? No lights, blown fuses and me trying to look nonchalant, as any other response may have invoked a somewhat disproportionate response from my dad.

It's Just a Plant. Isn't it?

No, it's a moral panic. But that's not the way the writers of the children's book It's Just a Plant would have you belei---

Stop there. Did I just type children's book? Good. I got the apostrophe right. My inner Lynne Truss can sleep at night. Phew.

I was talking about a children's book about marijuana, wasn't I? As you do. Anyway, I was wondering which of my readership was going to tell the Daily Mail about this one. Actually, best not. They may explode.

On the other hand, that may be a good thing. To the phones, people!

Just what you always wanted

Hey, you: you know how you're always telling me that you want to see Quicktime movies of Hungarian TV ads? Yeah? And if possible these should be from the 1980s? Well, it looks like your wish just came true. As the sausage advert says (and I hope to bejeebus it is a sausage advert):

"ez a jóska, ez a gyurka
ez meg itt a véres hurka..."

Magical: and utterly, utterly inexplicable. Just like foreign telly should be.

Pimp my trousers out, or something

Wanting to make a statement when you're out with Piff Doddy or whatever Sean "crowd control" Combs is calling himself this week? Well, the statement you'll make if you wear the LED Scrolling Text IcedOut Belt Buckle is "I am a complete and utter twunt".

I'm the same height as Brad Pitt.

Oh, and Anna Nicole Smith. How do I know? I went here.

Big Stuff

No. That's it. A shop that sells Great Big Stuff. Go there. Click on "Products". It's fun. Trust me.

What? You want me to hold your hand? Oh, just GO!

Aw, bless

Don't tell me you haven't done something similar to this at least once.

Unless you're me, because I knew it would make me look like a mentalist if I did.

Eep!

I mean LOOK AT THESE DRAWINGS!

Video Dating

What a marvellous way to find your latest true love.

David Firth has made a real-life documentary about the whole scene, in the medium of badly drawn animation. Magic.

One question. Finbar Mallon: what exactly was his fee?

Adult Industry Invading Cellphones

Ha. Try explaining this when your phone rings at work.

Animelds

Anybody who's seen my gallery will see why Animelds makes me laugh. OL.

By popular demand

What a hunk.

Phwoar! Who says I don't respond to my readership?

300 Treasures

...is a selection of three hundred documents from Amsterdam's municipal archives that have been showcased on the web. They range from the forensically fascinating (a police report of the theft of Anne Frank's bicycle as mentioned in the diary entry for 24th June 1942, 12 days before she went into hiding) through the frankly puzzing (a 1413 statute forbidding sex in graveyards) to the heartbreaking (silent footage of the 1945 Dam Square Massacre).

One for the history buffs, I feel. I liked it. 300 Treasures

Music time!

Told you I was working on something; this is it. All finished.

Done Screaming (MP3, 6.2MB)

The sound of someone past exhaustion, about to hit the nuclear button on a relationship at four in the morning. Autobiographical, but not recently so. Enjoy.

Flash Mountain

In my experience, flashing boobies is a peculiarly American pastime. Don't ask.

Anyway, I'd thought I'd get the collection of weboddities off to a flying start with this collection of photos taken at the point in Disneyland's Splash Mountain attraction where they take a picture of the participants. In each picture, someone thought it a good idea to get their boobies out. Possibly not all that Safe For Work, by the way. Well, duh.

As for this, like the last boobie-related post on this here blog, it is offered with no particular endorsement. I just feel it is my duty to bring it to your attention before somebody far more irresponsible than myself does so.

Back again

I've been away a few days, blogging wise. Got myself a new MIDI keyboard and have been obsessively polishing songs like a mad scientist. Apologies for my lack of time management here. The results will be posted soon, when I've tickled up the levels a bit. That's technical, that.

Anyway, I was pleased to note that the BBC finally ran the subject matter of my Make Love, Not War While We Make War, Not Love post: a full 12 days later.

It made me smile.

World Gone Mad: Official

Welcome to the crazy world of Charles Graner's defence lawyer in this Times Online report:

"“Don’t cheerleaders all over America make pyramids every day?” asked Guy Womack, who is acting for Specialist Graner. “It’s not torture.”"

Are we losing our humanity, one procedural point at a time?

Animal Reviews

Yes. That's right. Reviews of animals. And why the hell not?

"This website is more than just an invaluable tool - it's a revolutionary new way of appreciating the animal kingdom. Where else can you find animals reviewed and rated as if they were a new summer blockbusting release at your local cinematheque, or a new computer cassette game for your cutting edge Commodore 64 home computer?

Through a combination of careful scientific research and educated guesswork, we can help all those of you who have climbed aboard the Animal Titanic, only to find the monkey bar has run out of ice."

This is possibly the first essential site of the new century.

Gas Station Websites

Here's something that puzzles me: why would a service station need a website? This website gives a possible answer: because they're hilarliously awful!

Yes, I'm aware of the mis-spelling of "hilariously". I'm sure it's ironic. Joking aside, this has to be one of the best collection of bad websites I've even seen.

Free fonty goodness

I used to design web pages at one time. No, it's a crappy way to make money.

Anyway. One thing that I used to get all worked up about was font usage. A spell working in a sign shop in the late 90s cemented that for me: we used to get obsessive about leading, kerning and character shape. You'd be surprised at some of the work that goes into something hanging on a wall that you just glance at, and how easy it is to make it look wrong. We'd sweat for an hour over the shape of an 's' if we didn't have the exact match off-the-shelf. We'd argue over close matches. It's serious business. Fonts: you need plenty.

And that maxim isn't just for designers, but civilians too. Comic Sans does not make your sign/flyer/website look informal. It makes it look crap. No, really; it does.

So: here's 300 Free Truetype Fonts You Should Have. And there's some nice ones there. Trust me.

300. Free. Fonts. What are you waiting for? GO!

The Museum of Food Anomalies™

An utterly enjoyable romp through the world of deformed food.

Did I really just type that? Jeeze.

Phantom Limb Symposium

Oh yeah. My favourite body oddity: Phantom Limbs:

"Since its original description in 1866 by the Neurologist S. Mitchell, the phantom limb phenomena have attracted many scholars across a broad spectrum of fields. The phenomena describe the condition found in many amputees in which sensation of the removed limb persists. As such, it has served as a metaphor for many ideas in other fields beyond the scope of neurobiology and neuropsychology including philosophy, psychoanalysis, cultural studies, anthropology, literature, film and art. "

Art, they say? Will they be looking at my favourite episode of I Am Weasel? Awwww. Baboon hope so.

Death - the last taboo

And isn't it just? So how's about an Interactive Autopsy.

Woohoo!

The God simulator

So: you're God. What do You do?

Warning: may offend. But then so might everything, if you're that way inclined.

Apocalypse wow.

Mad weather in Huddersfield today. Storm force winds are forecast and freezing cold rain has been pelting down. So, you can imagine lunchtime today was a bit of a spectator sport.

Best sights? Well, second best was watching some poor woman who thought it was a cute kind of fashion statement to have a kiddies' umbrella with Miffy on it. Ha! Not when it's raining sideways it isn't. I felt quite smug with my rather robust parka on.

Secondly, I was passing Boots when I saw an trashed umbrella on the floor: curiously it was next to a bin. I was wondering why it had been dumped like that when I happened to look at the bin - which was full of umbrellas. I was so amused by this that I got even wetter taking a picture. Apologies for the quality: it was under duress, as anybody in Huddersfield will tell you.

It's one of those sights you don't get to see too often. My workmates think I'm a bit mad, but I'm rather glad I carry a camera with me at all times.

Monkeybird!

Staples' shares rise sharply...

That's my exclusive prediction for the financial world. In fact all stationery suppliers will experience an upturn in business as this criss-crosses t'interweb. You see: I've seen what time can do to the crazed kid.

A daft, almost brain-dead game

One that I enjoyed for a few minutes: you pretend to be a film or TV character and you get asked questions which you answer "yes" or "no" to.

It's just like playing with your sister, only she doesn't cheat, get bored or pull your hair. Go on Guess the Character!

MP3 madness

From o5ymy5o who deserves a knighthood for his Pat n' Peg EastEnders mash-up alone.

50 sound files to be uploaded, one per week, over 2005. Bookmark it.

And where the hell have YOU been, young man?

Honestly. I treat this place like a hotel. Which could be worse. This could be The Who's blog.

Think it through.

Anyway, I've been making music, and this takes time. So, I feel it only fair you get first crack at it. It's called Spiraldust and you can get to a 2.7 MB mp3 file by clicking on the cover art below. I recommend listening to it on decent speakers or headphones. Download it. Listen.

Comments? I'm getting a thick skin now, so fire away.

Scary two-legged thing

Sign up for "Patriotic Internet Access"...

...and win a .50 calibre Armalite rifle.

In spite of the fact that their homepage doesn't work on Firefox on the Mac. Numbskulls.

Jenny, are you there?

When I was a kid, there was a song by a bunch of one-hit wonders called City Boy called 5705 with the refrain "5-7-0-5/But there's no reply". There was. I checked it. Sincere apologies to the people who had Grantham 5705, by the way.

People on the west side had a similar song by Tommy Tutone called Jenny, are you there? (867-5309). This song caused similar havoc to City Boy's opus, leading to the urban legend that phone companies no longer give out 867-5309 any more.

Oh, but do they? Some guy with free weekend long distance and what my workmates would witheringly call "too much time on his hands" did a research project and rang every 867-5309 going as a kind of... um... research project, I suppose. And, like all good researchers, he logged the results here for your delectation and delight. And yes: some of them do connect.

That's what I love about t'interweb: someone will try out these ideas so I don't have to...

True stuff

We had a quiz at work on Christmas Eve. I had to argue an idiotic point on Shakespeare to get us into joint 1st place (I only have a degree in Theatre. No special pleading there) only to have everybody ignore me on the tiebreaker and lose because of it. I have a brain stuffed with stuff and people don't want to use it. Bah.

How come I know so much stuff? Because I read true stuff like this:

"There are millions of things you don't know about the world. As human beings it is our job to keep educating ourselves and become better people. It is impossible to know everything (unless you are a monk), but the least you can do is try your best. Here is a collection of amazing facts about the world which you didn't know (or you knew about them but then forgot because you were busy learning other stuff)"

You're in awe, aren't you? You'll be deadly at pub quizzes soon, I tell you.

Make Love, Not War While We Make War, Not Love

Apparently, and I'm having problems mentally processing this, a USAF Military Lab proposed using aphrodisiacs as chemical weapons. Aphrodisiacs.

Ah, take a look for yourself. I wouldn't want to spoil it for you.

You know, people get paid taxpayers' money to think this tripe up. And I'm seriously looking forward to the first piece of seriously daft governmental rubbish our Freedom of Information Act unearths.

Oh Dear...

Strong rumour has it that my employer is considering homeworking. So (he smirks) why does this highly witty animation feel like a portent of the future?

HE LOOKS LIKE....

Every idea is waiting for its time to come. 2005 is the time. The idea is HE LOOKS LIKE.... The Morbid Game of Psychoanalyzing Strangers in Pictures.

It's that simple and (c'mon), we've all done it. Look at a picture and invent the life behind it.

I may well join in, but I suspect t'wife may be better at it.

Yay! Children's records!

My regular reader will yawn when I mention vintage sound files, as they are a bit of an obsession with me. So imagine my delight at the launch of Kiddie Records Weekly, a year-long project that celebrates blah, blah, blah... let the website explain...

"For the entire 2005 year, Basic Hip Digital Oddio will be featuring weekly stories and songs from the golden age of children's records, a period which ran from the mid 1940s into the early 1950s. This era produced a wealth of classics, headed by Capitol's Record-Readers and the RCA Victor Little Nipper series. Each one of these recordings has been carefully transferred from the original 78s (plus a few 45s) and encoded to MP3 format for you to download and enjoy."

Now, they're not archiving the MP3s past the week they're featured, so make the most of it.

Can't wait for Rusty , me.

Smashmyphone - We take care of your phone.

Just when you thought there was an end to the relentless niche marketing on the web, Smashmyphone.com goes one stage further. Ladies in heels smash cellphones.

Er... That's it.

And it's a pay site which has "no obscene language, no nudity, no suggestive images, no erotic content, and no sexual acts. We are not adult content producers or distributors." I'm interested to see how this site fares over the next year...

Conservatism's ugly untruths

I can't deny 2004 was a politically disappointing year for me. I think you can guess the reasons why and this is not a place to go into depth about it. This page will probably do the talking at least as eloquently and far more succinctly.

Horrid, isn't it?.

The hangover has gone...

...and The Semaphore Ninja has a message for you all.

This is NOT an endorsement.

I was just listening to the 30/12 edition of DSC ("Podcasts! You vapid, trend-following fool, Sp3ccylad!" "No..." he replies: "I may write something on the subject tomorrow") and there was a mention of the Huggy Jesus doll. I ventured over and: hey, why spoil the fun? Take a look.

Good grief, that's one ugly toy.

Is it art or is it porn?

Hmm. That's always a tricky question. What do we do? What do we do?

(FX: A Fanfare sounds) Geeks to the rescue!

Let this handy formula included as part of US Patent 6,751,348 sort you out.

Warning. Contains complex maths.

Pushing the envelope, calendar-wise

I'm not a great fan of girlie calendars. Never have been. Not my thing at all. However this particular art form takes a new twist when it falls into the hands of CISA. CISA make coffins, you see.

You can see where this is going, can't you?

Yes, bikini shots and coffins. The two concepts collide in the most spectacular way. Oddly, it didn't immediately strike me as tasteless ("but then what does?" replies my regular reader) . And it's not some one-off abberation like those tiresome Yorkshire Dales jam-and-Jerusalem women faffing about with antirrhinum in their birthday suits. As far as I can tell, CISA's been doing this since at least 2003. Crazy.

Go on, take a peek. And just in case you think this is a windup, here's their product lineup, with coffins and calendars on the same page.

Classy.

It's just an mp3 fest, this holiday period

And the latest is a joy to behold. Shaggy meets The Beatles in a way that complements the both (and I speak this as a previously-admitted Beatles nerd of some 25 years brewing). It's joyous.

I always thought that the content of Shaggy's It Wasn't Me was dodgy at best, mysogynist at worst. Then I heard the joy that was Macca giving a way out to both parties - just as when his song was written, after a dream about his mum - and I just laughed, in the way you do when you know something is right.

So here it is. A rare treasure. Do take advantage. Please. (mp3, 3.5 MB)

The Graphing Calculator Story

This blog entry should start geek alarms off across both hemispheres - and I offer no apologies. When Mac OS 8 came out, it had a mysterious and beautiful application called Graphing Calculator. I used to marvel at the way it could graph and animate relatively complex surfaces in real time. This was, after all, 1994 and the PowerPC-powered Macintoshes were scarily ahead of their time back then - although that had as much to do with the interface at the time: a fact that may provoke alarm at Microsoft considering the continued stasis of Longhorn. Anyway, Graphing Calculator (below, and I took this screenshot this evening, fact fans)
was a bit of a wow.

The Graphing Calculator Story is a lovely story of the stupid randomness of many innovative processes and an illustration of the beauty you can achieve if you FAIL TO GET A MORTGAGE.

Oh, and if you're talented. Heh. Forgot that bit. Bother.

The South-East Asia Earthquake and Tsunami

A one-stop shop for information and sources of help/relief.

Bonkers Frankenstein Beatles medley

Mon dieu: this gave me the collywobbles. I sat down with this and tried to identify some of the songs (as some of you will have guessed, I'm a bit of a Beatles nerd), and it moved so fast and in such an oddly complex fashion that my head exploded and I spent the last 15 minutes retrieving bits of skull and grey stuff.

No, that's not true. I'm on the calvados right now. Although there is an element of truth in there that this medley did unsettle me a bit. Shall I stop drinking and get to the point?

OK here it is, hosted at my domain to take some of the pressure off the original hosting domain: and quite mad it is too. (mp3, 4.91 MB - good lord, that's the same file size twice in two days. Does anybody know the present whereabouts of Fox Mulder?)

Have fun. Seriously: I did.

The Bureau of Missing Socks

Looks like this is the government department I've waited for all my life:

"The Bureau of Missing Socks is the first organization solely devoted to solving the question of what happens to missing single socks. It explores all aspects of the phenomena including the occult, conspiracy theories, and extraterrestrial.

We offer support for the matching sock deprived, and, catalog, research, index and document all extant material related to socks since the dawn of the shoe. Our audio visual department is the largest multi media center in Hollywood and several sock themed feature films, television shows, and interactive CDs are in development.

We are entirely funded by your tax dollars expedited by matching cuts in the defense, welfare, and education budgets."

Best. Disclaimer. Ever.

Sorry if this seems like shameless self-promotion but this put such a smile on my face...

What do you mean, I have to wait a year for Christmas?

Because I want an excuse to buy my mate (and witness at my wedding) Jim a pair of Doggles. You know, just in case he wants to re-enact scenes from Easy Rider with his pet chihuahua.

It's more likely than you think. Trust me.

Who says music isn't free?

It damn well is when I write it.

Blue Shimmer (4.91 MB, mp3)

Make your comments kind ones.

Satire on eBay. An occasional series.

Very funny. Very, very funny.

And yes, I nearly did. Just so I could say I did. But no.

Annoying game alert

I do hope you've got a nice long holiday ahead. Oh, and no family, friends or animals that need feeding. Moebius Syndrome is one of those odd games that takes a moment to "get", but once you do it ends up a tad addictive.

All you do is make loops. That's it. Swivel the pieces around, join them up and watch them disappear for points.

Easy? I cackle at your naivete.

Yu-Mex

Well. Some things belong in "you just couldn't make it up" corner. This is one. Let the site itself explain:

"In 1948, the Yugoslav leader Josip Broz Tito (May 7, 1892 - May 4, 1980) broke up with the Soviet leader Iosif Vissarionovich Stalin (Dec. 21, 1879 - March 5, 1953) and Yugoslavia was on the brink of war with the Soviet Union. There were tanks on both sides of the border and Tito's regime imprisoned many Soviet sympathizers (real or just suspected). Russian films were suddenly not so popular anymore.

Yugoslav authorities had to look somewhere else for film entertainment. They found a suitable country in Mexico: it was far away, the chances of Mexican tanks appearing on Yugoslav borders were slight and, best of all, in Mexican films they always talked about revolution in the highest terms. How could an average moviegoer know that it was not the Yugoslav revolution?"

Who-hoah! I had NO idea. The site, covering Yu-Mex: Mexican music in fifties Yugoslavia has background information, MP3s and cover art from what must be the greatest cultural conflation prior to some blokes from Dartford getting into the blues. I put that last sentence in after a telephone suggestion from Lord Wells of Wrenthorpe, creator of the (now dormant) oddly wappy Craig Boardman's Boots.

(I discuss these links on the phone first! Had you any idea?)

This is a genuine treasure. Miss it at your peril.

(Not Craig Boardman's Boots. That's shite.)

That'll teach you just to play the drums

So, what do you do with your life if you spent most of the Sgt Pepper's sessions playing cards with Neil Aspinall and Mal Evans?

That's right: record cheesy Christmas messages for NORAD! Obvious, really.

Still: it's a better career plan than anybody else in Rory Storme and the Hurricanes had back in 1962: and it has to be better than Butlin's in Skegness.*

*Beatles nerd alert!

Nostalgia City

Not to be confused with Neuralgia City, which is quite a different thing. Here's a list of 70's and '80s toys that, when I saw the entry for Pocketeers, caused my heart to skip.

They don't make them like that any more - any bets on the first "Anybody remember the iPod" site? It's surely the Rubik's Cube for the new century. Even my postman has one.

Incidentally, when I rounded the corner and saw my postman trudging through gale force winds with iPod earbuds in, I felt oddly envious. You see, I have to take my earbuds out in order to work. He might be cold, wet and treated like a dog by management these days, but he gets to listen to his iPod at work. That's how attached to it I've become. If you'd told me 10 years ago I'd be carrying my entire music collection in my jacket pocket , I have worked up some genuine enthusiasm for the early 21st century...

MEAT Scented Air Fresheners

Please tell me this is a windup.

Banned Aid

By Saturday, Banned Aid will be all over the web. I give it two days before lawyers are all over it with sanctimonious letters on behalf of their obscenely rich clientele. In the meantime, have fun while it's still up.

And to save you the bother of asking, yes: I agree with every sentiment, implied or direct.

freespeling.com (with one l)

Richard Wade wants to change things for the better by liberalising spelling, and to publicise it he's put up a site called freespeling.com (with one l). Some may think it's a good idea, but for me it's like scraping my nails down a blackboard.

What do you think?

Poodle fitness video. No: really...

This has weirded me out a tad. If you have dreams like this, then some analysts would probably say you're getting better.

Why can't I just keep a confessional blog like everybody else?

Priceless photos of other people's petrified poppets

Were you one of those wet, annoying children who would burst into tears at the slightest thing wrong? One of those horrid sprogs that woud get spooked quicker than a bunch of horses realising they're going to a matinée performance of Equus*?

Yeah, me too. Once witheringly described by my eldest sister as a "sensitive" child, I can place myself in this gallery of children scared shitless by Santa only too well. Yet, on the other hand I find it screamingly, stupidly funny. And you know, Sp3ccylad: that's your problem. You lack empathy.

Hmph. Like I care.

*Ooh, get him and his A-level in English Lit...

Welcome to the History of the Universe

What makes a person take on a narrow, limited subject like this?

I can only wonder.

Welcome to "...not that there's anything wrong with that" corner

Ah yes. Here's an old favourite of mine. I was mentioning this to someone at work the other day: saying it was the kind of website that I found myself drawn back to over and over again, and that I found that a tad worrying.

Then, in an unrelated incident, I made the observation to a colleague on Saturday I was "...culturally speaking, a gay man nestling happily inside a straight man's sexuality".

Ledies and gentlemen of the jury, I present as evidence of the dichotomy that is Sp3ccylad: Mandonna!.

Only in San Francisco, eh?

Guardian Life Bad Science Awards 2004 (or the amazing shrinking water molecule)

Oi! Wingnuts! There's more to the Guardian than winding American right wingers up with jokey articles advocating the killing of the President in their TV guide (Abroad at Home passim). Listen up: you might learn something.

The Guardian has a great column in the Thursday supplement called Bad Science that debunks the crap we face on a daily basis from the 21st century's snake oil salesmen.

Rejoice! (© M. Thatcher 1982) They've handed out their awards for 2004.

It's both funny and tragic. There are people out there falling for this crap

Third nipple alert!

And - oh ho! - I bet this one isn't where you think it is.

Actually: where did you think it was?

Read this.

Right. That's you lot told. Next!

Pierced Eyeglasses

What's so wrong with contact lenses? This is making me feel queasy...

Get your signature iPods here

Excellent. I want the Ramones one.

The Beatles Christmas Records

Well, blow me (I can but hope). I only put together a CD of all of these the other day and now here they are on the web. For the uninitiated, here's the skinny: every Christmas, The Fabs would issue a fan club-only record with a specially recorded Christmas greeting. They were rough, off-the-cuff affairs that brimmed with humour and creativity - and (until recently) were moderately difficult to get hold of.

Difficult no more: just click here.

Enjoy. I did.

Happy Agnostica!

You what? Uh? Happy Agnostica? No, hang on: this is good:

"How do you feel about gifts during the holidays? Odds are, not so good. Have you ever asked yourself why? Gift-giving is supposed to bring great joy, and gift-getting shouldn't be such a shabby event either. But somewhere along the way, somewhere between the last-minute rushes to elbow those insane soccer moms all vying for the same vibrating fuzzy doll, or sometime after searching for weeks for the perfect gift for a loved one you now realize you know nothing about, it hit you.

This sucks."

Le Vic strikes again: this time with a corker of a link that has me blogging like a mad thing. It's simple and it works. Go on: who's going to be the first reader of this blog to wish a random stranger Happy Agnostica?

Train Spotting Simulator

Oh yes. This is truly what the web was made for - Train Spotting:

"Microtoss Train Spotting Simulator brings the power and excitement of one of the world's most favorite hobbies to your PC, placing you in the role of a trainspotter with unprecedented realism, exciting real-world challenges, and the tools to recreate almost any trainspotting experience in the world."

It's absolutely true - they've nailed the experience. Utterly authentic.

Pot Calls Kettle Black Shock!

Oh, this is rich. Microsoft are trying to make Brits feel dirty and unethical:

"British consumers have double standards when it comes to ethical purchasing, claims Microsoft."

Pfft.

Humanga Tongue Dog Toy

I didn't learn photoshop just to be outdone by a dog toy.

I feel oddly useless. May as well go to work, I suppose.

A dare for you

Sing this at your office party.

Dimples, wine and price

Some of my colleagues at work are convinced that there's a relationship between the depth of the dimple in the base of a bottle of wine and the price. I've listened to this theory, I've smiled sweetly and I've thought "bullshit".

Pity me. Tomorrow morning I have to go into work. Actually, it gets worse. Tomorrow morning I have to go into work knowing that they are right and I am wrong. OUCH.

B3ta board member and general funny geezer Itchy Squirrel went to Tesco with a depth gauge/pencil combo and a note pad to prove this theory and came up trumps. Very, very funny. The world of drunken maths geeks salutes you.

Warning. May contain formulae.

Ted Hughes Children's Book Comes To Life

Le Vic, one of the regular commenters here (and provider of fine cups of tea to the proletariat), dropped this link in my comments. I've just opened it up and I'm clapping like a child who's just realised she doesn't have to marry a Chuckle Brother after all.

As Frank Sidebottom once said: "if there's one thing I like more than robots, it's more robots." I can only agree.

Dr Colin Mayhew has built a robot. Not just any robot, mind you: this one's colossal, it runs on petrol and can stop a Land Rover. Watch the videos. AMAZING.

When I was little I wanted to be a scientist, and I got to do lots of stuff at school that slowly but surely put me off; the death of a thousand cuts, if you like. This is what I meant, damn you all! I could cry. The waste; the waste.

Yeah: what she said.

Ailee Slater, a student at the University of Oregon, gets all worked up about the grading system and makes tremendous sense:

"Personally, I have come to the conclusion that the University system makes absolutely no sense. Students pay teachers to educate us, yet they are then allowed to tell us how much we're learning. The whole situation seems akin to a boss paying her employee to clean toilets and the employee turning around and telling the employer how much she is or isn't happy with the cleaning job."

When I lived in the Eugene-Springfield area I used to love reading The Daily Emerald. But then I'd read anything that's free, as my wife keeps on telling me. Did that come out way cattier than I wished it to?

Mothers! Kids wearing you out?

Then I have just the product for you. Click this blue text. It's a hyperlink! Technology, eh? Cor blimey.

Oh, I've wanted to say this for some time.

However, Edward Cone has said it for me. You go guy: the floor is yours.

I apologise to those what have gone and done and seen this before, but

It's too good not to plug now again. God, I love this.

Basically, it's a series of languageless animations that are unmistakably francophone: even without the title screen.

Laties and gentlemen, boys and girls, I give you BoYshiT.

Woo-hoo! A knitted WHAT?

Woo-hoo! A knitted womb!

"It's not completely anatomically accurate. I've taken a few liberties with the general shape and scale, as well as leaving out the ligaments connected to the ovaries. And, of course, the human uterus is not normally bubblegum pink."

Damn skippy. I've been present at a C-sction. It's definitely purple.

Arthur Ganson- Sculptures

I once went to a gallery opening by the renowned Swiss kinetic sculptor Jean Tinguely (1991, Basel, about a week after the Happy Mondays played Elland Road). I remember it for three things.

1) Free beer AND chocolate. Woo!
2) A woman playing the tuba, solo, whilst dressed in a ball gown.
3) Tinguely dying about three weeks later.

I always hoped that was just a coincidence, because I could have been doing anything that night, giddy as I was on beer AND chocolate.

Arthur Ganson is a sculptor in a similar vein - and this is a page with videos of some of his sculptures at work. Catch the video of the Knife Throwing Machine. Funny: very funny.

Sorry for the lack of updates....

...I have a new computer. Well, when I say "I have a new computer," I mean the cat has a new computer. I just work it for her amusement. What is it about TFT screens and cats?
There is nothing I can do that keeps her off the desk which is, at the moment, the official British definition of New Computer Chaos - there are installation CDs, boxes, leads, two computers (that ends today, trust me) and some complete cretin of a cat that is treating the whole experience like home cinema.

Yeah, Muffin. It's all for your benefit. Enjoy.

Don't try this at home

Up until now, the only use I'd seen for helium balloons was inhaling the contents and shrieking "bollocks!" at perplexed passers-by.

These people - cluster ballonists - have altogether more ambitious uses.

Quite insane; yet oddly enviable. Reminds me of the end of Le Ballon Rouge.

Roadside America

Hey-hey! A favourite of mine. If you live in the USA or Canada and you don't know about this, then shame on you. If you're planning a trip to either and you don't consult this, then ditto.

Ever wondered where all that really ODD shit by the side of the road is? The stuff that's dying for a photo or that should be in a film? Why all you ever seem to see is the verge of an Interstate highway and YET ANOTHER truck stop? Well, go to Roadside America and answer those questions sharpish. It's almost beautiful. It kept me in thrall for two-and-a-half years, rendering me into a state not unlike that of a child with ADHD and FAR TOO MUCH food colouring every time we went on a road trip.

You should pity my long-suffering wife. Two-and-a-half years of "Ooh! Ooh! I've read about that! Can we stop there?" (Points at something indescribably tacky, like a beach towel of The Last Supper, only far bigger and worse) "Ple-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ease?"

Alan W. Pollack's Notes on ... Series

I am in a geeky mood this morning. Alan W. Pollack is a musicologist of some renown who started to write detailed musicological analyses of The Beatles' music in 1989. He started with a blast at 28 of their songs and then - an Everestesque aim - decided to take on the rest. 11 years later and the job was done.

Dr. Pollack's Notes on ... Series is a brilliant, dense read that rewards a long sit down with a bunch of Beatles tracks and some presence of mind. I've chosen this site rather than their original home because of the presentation, but also for Ger Tillekens' insightful writing that binds the series together.

One of the reasons I love t'interweb so much is because other people have got über-geeky so Joe Public can reap the rewards. On this occasion, it truly is a reward. In book form, I'd happily pay £15-20 for this (that's about a million US dollars now the currency has been trashed). If you listen to music or if you make it, bookmark the Notes on ... Series. You will learn something.

Linky Music Toy

Music is all interrelated; much like people from rural Lincolnshire.

If you're a bit geeky about music like what I is, then you might well see music as a series of interconnected circles with name tags on. Well, if you do (and if that's the case then I recommend checking into the nearest psychiatric assessment unit) then musicplasma will make you feel oddly normal.

It raids the Amazon databases and presents music as an "if you liked this, then..." kind of map that is almost hypnotic to watch. Hard to describe, easier to play with. Go on, then: what are you waiting for? GO!

A little something

And I know a nine-year-old who, I believe, would find this hilarious on a card.
Happy birthday, girl.

Shaking hands - the new threat to our health

I was quite attracted to the notion espoused in this wickedly funny commercial. Then I thought about it and... Maybe there's something to be said for tradtion.

Oh, and a random thought that will mean something to approximately three of my readers (like that's not 75% of them): isn't it nice to see Kirklees Council installing hot tubs outside Civic Centre 1? No doubt some vandal will come along, tip a load of compost in and fill it with bedding plants; but for the moment it's good to see a Local Authority taking employee welfare seriously.

Hurrah for Kirklees Metropolitan Council!

Playlist - Music for digital diversity

An Idea of the Moment - a club where technology enables you to be the DJ.

Tolerance, creativity, adventurousness and sharing. Four reasons why I think this is a fine idea.

The perfect gift

That's if you're into animated origami and you've got eczema.

The Little Flying Bum

Daft, puerile and blogged.

Quit looking at me like that. Yeah: like that.