"Oh my God! There's an axe in my head."

Or how to say the aforementioned phrase in 112 languages.

You can scoff now, but you might need this one day.

An old favourite of mine

It's not new, but I love it. A recreation of Fatboy Slim's Weapon of Choice video using a stick figure and line drawings - which is far cheaper than Christopher Walken and the lobby of a posh hotel.

First time I saw this, I gave it a standing ovation.

Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yiiiii.

Waaaa-heugh!

God help me - Daisychain's taken off again

Oh, blimey

The Girl Watcher - a magazine from, shall we say, the middle of the last century, is a wonderful relic of how things were when they were different. Go here - we have scans to look at. Quite embarrassing.

Ooh! Saving money!

Make design classics the cheap way by recourse to Design without Reach's fabbo recommendations.

The real meaning of names

So, so true.

There's a situation vacant...

...and I've applied.

Endangered Species,

by an 8th grader in Pittsburgh:

"Koalas have sharp claws but they are weak. They all small and fat and they be climing trees."

I know. Freeloaders.

Guess who's back? Tell your friends!

"YOU ARE CRUELTY TO CATS AND I HATE YOU"

I am what? You what?

Groovy

People who can read (and if you can't, how did you get here?) will notice I didn't post yesterday. Can you blame me? At the best of times, the internet is full of liars and charlatans*. The last thing I need is to be trolling for links on a day when people are encouraged to wind people up. So I went down the pub instead. And why not?

OK. Who is that man, and why is he waving in that frankly worrying manner?

I don't know. But he is in this video. Excruciating.

*Not you. Nor me. It's all those other bastards.

The Video for "Green"

Another of me vids. It's a bit trippy, man.

A maddening game

That is a thing of beauty.

Part II: Laura K. Krishna is Just a Dumb Kid With a Nice Mom

And this is how it ends.

Return of the Mac

Hm. This article, about how hackers (and therefore future programmers) are returning to Apple, makes me feel both quite warm inside and very, very old.

Radio DavidByrne.com

Man with impeccable taste makes excellent internet radio station.

LISTEN.

Laura K. Krishna is a Plagiarist.

Oh what fun. Lazy student trolls for people to do her work for her and gets stiffed in a totally just way.

Serves her right (says someone who got his degree properly).

More wisdom.

"i think is sick and i think you should take it off the internet"

She's a giggle. Bless.

Anonymous Email - Anonymous SMS - April Fools Day 2005

Get in there!

Email from groovy_sis04@yahoo.co.uk - #2 in an occasional series

Off she goes again!

"what is your real age and what gender are you female or male and can you please tell my you are sending me e-mails my brother and my boyfriend are getting pissed of with you and i am only young so please tell who you are and how are you are"

How are you are? Uh?

A melancholy musical moment

It's not without regret that I go back to work tomorrow. I've had a fruitful period creatively and that's been cool, but it's bye-bye to individualism, isn't it?

So: I thought I'd produce something to get it out of my system.

I was thinking about songs that celebrated individualism, and I remembered one in particular: and as it's a cover version, it's exclusive to this website.

So, I present to you my version of Robyn Hitchcock's Queen Elvis II. Enjoy.

The secret life of moody cows

Cows, it seems, have hidden depths. As you will see with this quote of the decade:

“Cows look calm, but really they are gay nymphomaniacs”

I make no apologies for blogging a month-old Times article here. All three of my regular readers will know that I don't read The Times as its crossword is a load of shyt.

Go on:

Try and get this through airport security.

Sugar Bush Squirrel-Supermodel Squirrel & Military Mascot

I can feel my credulity stretching.

"Sugar Bush Squirrel is a real, live Eastern Gray Squirrel who is owned and photographed by Ms. Kelly Foxton. Rescued from a tree, she is now living the 'good life' with Kelly in Boca Raton, Florida."

Just hold on a moment there. Rescued from a tree? A squirrel?

Put me out of my misery.

A stroke of genius

Expressing pop songs in outliner format:

"# things u don't have 2 be:

* beautiful
* experienced
* rich
* cool

# in order 2:

* turn me on
* turn me out
* be my girl
* rule my world

# things 2 do:

* leave it all up 2 me
* act your age

# things not 2 do:

* talk dirty
* be 2 flirty
* act your shoe size

# things you don't have 2 watch 2 have an attitude:

* dynasty

# sign that i'm more compatible with:

* none

# what i want that is yours:

* your body

- between dusk and dawn

* extra time
* kiss"

There's tons of them there. It amused me.

Email from groovy_sis04@yahoo.co.uk - #1 in an occasional series

I was bored. So I emailed her. She was giving me so much pleasure and all, so I called to say I loved her.

"who are you and i dont even know who you are and why did you send me that e-mail and how did you get my e-mail address please reply even though i dont know who you are but i want to know why you sent me that e-mail and you dont even know who i am from me i dont love you and I AM NOT JEALOUS THAT THE VOICES CHOSE YOUR HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I have more.

Civil engineering with 1¢ coins

Only a few years ago, the index in the yellow pages used to read "Boring: see Civil Engineers". No doubt a load of well-meaning, unironic people writing in green ink on Basildon Bond paper have changed that. Still, the impression lingers.

Ah well. Anyway, I diidn't find this demonstration of civil engineering skills involving only pennies boring at all. In fact, it's quite spiffing.

Honest.

Teenage entertainment, c. 1979

Most of my entertainment around this period consisted of punk/new wave music and the sort of pastimes that gave me a great funk guitar strum.

On the other hand, Jackie readers got to knit their own fry up.

When this website is unearthed by webarcheologists in the 29th century, they will note numerous themes. Knitted household objects will be amongst them.

Oh, god: I'm sorry.

As if going offline wan't bad enough: I'll...er... clean it up.

Sorry again.

Pet Pillows

Please supply your own write up for this. I can't. I just can't.

Dewdrop, the floor is yours.

Running Bats

Now this is bad news. Vampire bats can run. Er, super.

On a related note, octopuses (octopi?) are now walking their way out of trouble in the manner of an.... er, well:

"Instead of its usual sprawling crawl, O. marginatus fled from divers by striding on two arms, with the rest of its arms wrapped around its body, giving it the appearance of a walking coconut."

So: they not only have better evolved eyes than us, but they have better silly walks to boot.

Eight-legged freaks.

More great comments from groovy_sis04

"THIS IS FUCKING SCARY TAKE IT OF THE INTERNET OR I WILL GET YOU DONE"

It's great to be appreciated. It's better to be done, though.

And I speak as somebody who has....

Stop me.

What I did during my absence, by Sp3ccylad

I did this:

(I'm supplying the lower quality link this time, as it's a long one - a full 6-and-a-half minutes worth of epic.)

Life Goes On - 3.7 MB

This is big in many senses of the word. I'm quite astounded by what formed before my very eyes.

I'd really appreciate feedback.

Oh dear.

An open letter to an un-named graphic designer:

Next time you get the job of designing a logo for a paediatric clinic, for goodness' sake; THINK.

best regards,
Sp3ccylad

Normal Service Has Been Resumed

Sorry about that. We've seen the last of the bandwidth hell that was Daisychain's appearance in the b3ta newsletter last month. I would have been back on sooner, but my hosting was a bit slow to react to my cries to help - resulting on us being snuffed out at the beginning of the Easter period... and I'll just stop there, shall I?

It's good to be back.

They don't love all girls

Opportunity time. Here we have a site that sells "I love xxx nationality girls" T-shirts, and they don't have "I love American Girls".

The field is wide open. Yippee!

A solar furnace in Seattle (the triumph of science over climate)

Oh yes. Somebody up in the PNW has built his very own Solar Death Ray.

And why not?

Jeeze. I get so annoyed when people say

...I have too much time on my hands when all I've done is describe a really good web page.

LOOK, numpties: this is what happens when you have too much time on your hands. OK?

*seethes*

Swap a library book - any library book - for your car

That's the way it looks if you're living in Arlington, Virginia.

By now, they must have the best stocked libraries in the good ol' US of etc.

In a po-faced moment, I'd like to say that I always thought the library system of Springfield, OR was fantastic.

I'd get one...

But parking is so expensive.

Hold on; this isn't right...

Is this a real guide to leaving Mexico, written by the Mexican Government, or am I being duped? I did Spanish for a year at school, but I sucked at it.

Any help out there?

The Rude Tube

And no, I'm not talking about the Jools Holland "groovy fuckers" incident. I'm talking about this: a stupidly hilarious map of the London Underground that owes more than a little bit to the twisted brainright that is Chris Morris.

An aside. When I was in my 20's (and therefore old enough to know better), I used to buy copies of The Times to read on long train journeys. Actually I never read it. Too insufferably pompous. I used to make a big show of filling in the crossword. Or appearing to. I'd see how many swear words I could fit into the crossword grid. If they were badly spelt in order to fit in, I'd award myself extra points. Then I'd leave it on the train for some freeloader to pick up.

It amused me, anyway.

Oooer.

Well, this is novel:

"The problem of dog overpopulation is a real one. However, the noble goal of preventing unwanted dog pregnancy does not justify the means being used. Millions of brutal forced castrations and female genital mutilations take place every year in America. We need to put a stop to these atrocities and give every living creature the respect it deserves."

Yes. Dog condoms. More an idea than a product right now.

I don't envy the poor bugger who gets to put one on the dog.

I want one of these

As a gift, you understand. Not for me.

Gallery Comment of the Month

From: groovy_sis04@yahoo.co.uk (Sat Mar 12 15:48:08 2005)

"i think this should be took of the internet roght away because of the little kids that go on this sight and look up animals and find this it will give them nightmares for ages you sick people"

Why, thank you.

Sp3ccylad in liking caravan shock

Yes. I like Airstream trailers. Who doesn't? They're beyond cool.

I also like guitars.

One of my readers knows what's coming.

It's this. God help me. It's cheap, dirty and horrid. My local music shop has one. Ugh.

Good for a giggle. No more. Now: go and have a shower.

Then tell me all about it. I dare you.

Germans have no sense of humour

Bollocks. Of course they have. My wife is half-German and her choices in all three of her husbands display a developing wry humour. I, of course, am the pinnacle of all this - the punchline, if you will. God knows she's no desire to build on the joke.

Then there's my mother-in-law: her linguistically tortured observations on American life and every state other than Oregon and Alaska (and sometimes Alaska got it in the neck) had me in stitches regularly. "Eye-da-ho? Zhey farm dirt zhere! Fockin' cotton-pickin po-day-does..." My mother-in-law, by the way, was the only woman who could mix "cotton-pickin'" and "fucking" in the same sentence convincingly.

Anyway: you want links? Oh; you dirty link-whores.

Here's one. Look at this photo first.


Ugh. Anyway given photoshop and a bit of imagination, a bunch of people came up with this.

Well, I enjoyed it.

Hen hoover

This is not a windup. This is from a Texan company who specialise in the... er... hoovering of chickens, apparently.

I can't explain this.

You'll see why when you click it.

(Bad language alert: in case you don't like that sort of thing.)

29 years ago, this could have saved Bill Grundy's career

Ex-Sex Pistols' bassist Glen Matlock (not to be confused with the dead one) has gone all anti-swearing on us in an interview to be screened this Sunday on C4 according to an article in today's Grauniad.

What a fucking rotter.

Protect copyright!!!

Do your bit by shopping people who sing Happy Birthday.

Sounds like a good idea at my time in life.

Ukulele robots

"If there's one thing I love more than robots," as Timperley's finest Frank Sidebottom* once said, "it's MORE robots." Damn skippy, Frank.

Mike and Jarvis agree, because they've built a ukulele-playing robot. Out of Lego.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think I've seen the future.

*When I bought Frank's Firm Favourites in 1985 after seeing an article in the NME about him, I wrote to Frank - with my left hand - asking him a number of besotted fan-style questions (so compounding the joke), including "Do you like Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons?" His reply? "I like Captain Scarlet, but not the Mysterons, because they're baddies". Class.

Avoiding Tolls On The Massachusetts Turnpike

Well, not quite avoiding: more finding creative ways of paying them. Like fruit. And IOUs. IOUs signed "Mariah Carey".

I featured this guy sometime back when he was testing the limits of credit card signatures. And this is another winner. Enjoy!

Clever Rabbit Scam

No, not a scam involving a clever rabbit. A clever scam involving a rabbit. Duh!

Wish I'd thought of it.

I Blog Like An Idiot

And other people just park like one.

boom...(cough)...boom...

Possibly the best collection of jokes: ever.

I'm sort of famous

Rolled in last night quite sozzled. Woke up this morning with what Withnail would call a "a bastard behind the eyeballs". So imagine my surprise to find sp3ccylad.com broken due to bandwidth issues. I check my email and well: tie me up and tickle me man bits... I'm in the b3ta newsletter with the Daisychain video. Quite the pleasant surprise.

Just in case you don't believe me: click for confirmation.

Update: a pleasing close to the circle here. I was going through the linky goodness in b3ta's newsletter when I spied a link to a toilet for people who had supersized themselves. And guess who's the chubby-but-lovely poster children for this gargantuan poop disposal unit?

No: I couldn't believe it either. Crikey.

A puzzle

The sp3ccylad.com site hit count suddenly went stratospheric these last few days. Frankly, it's all a bit puzzling.

This is the oddest thing: the photo above did a hell of a lot of the damage on its own. Viewed over 2000 times in 22 days. How inexplicable is that?

Any explanations will be welcomed, as I'm beginning to really damage my scalp with the head scratching I'm doing...

It's an odd place, the internet: innit?

Free fonty goodness: a decent link this time

Sorry. I screwed up the other week. I offered a link up - a really tempting one too, offering free fonty goodness - and it died within hours. Some things are just too good to be true.

No, hang on: here's the real deal.

Give a big "oh, thank goodness: you've arrived" to Fontleech: The Free Font Blog. It's too good, and it's true. A font version of 3hive.com (just click it, damnabbit!), it scours the web for fonts that are free to download. God only knows there's plenty out there: but you're busy. I understand.

So; go, my child. Download. AND BE POLITE. He's a nice man, you know. Tell him I sent you.

What were they thinking?

I dunno about you, but my TV has an off button.

Unlike these people who seem intent on giving TV they deem offensive a second airing.

I quite enjoyed some of it. But then you know how I feel about stuff.

Oh, no.

Hunter S Thompson commits suicide

A public service

Ever wanted to destroy the Earth? No, not the people on it - we've all wanted to do that. Well, you have. Sicko. Anyway, I'm talking about a far more ambitious er... ambition.

Destroying the Earth. The actual, physical Earth. It's a lot harder than it looks, actually. Anyway, if you're interested (and I know at least one person who will thank me for this for the simple joy of discussing it at some length) you can go here and learn all about it.

How do I sleep at night?

Scatological kiddies book

Who'd buy a children's book called EVERYONE POOPS?

Well, I'd link to it.

The Booty Ye Deserve! YAAAAARRRRRRR!

At last. A pirate lawyer who will give ninjas the legal broadside they deserve.

Here's a riddle...

Anybody remember the Monkeyman of Tonbridge Wells? A superhero for modern times, he helped little old ladies across the road in Kent. Letters were written to a local paper, the media went mad for him, and the story went around the globe. The fact that he was a figment of someone's imagination didn't stop the story snowballing.

Anyway, riddle time: what has the aforementioned Monkeyman got to do with my favourite album?

It's CCC - media prankster and now, bootlegger extraordinaire. He sent the emails that started the Monkeyman thing off, and now he's remixed The Beatles' Revolver album.

It's quite fantastic. Download it NOW before McCartney's lawyers jump all over it.

Short Words to Explain Relativity

There's nothing wrong with long words. I use them all the time. In fact I got rumbled as the sender of a joke valentine's card because I used the word 'fundamentally' and (as the recipient of the card said) "you're the only person in the office who knows how to spell it". What an inaccurate and depressing statement.

Anyway, what that rant brings me to is an attempt to explain the theory of relativity in words of four letters or less.

Although funny and oddly informative, it brings me to the inescapable conclusion that, sometimes, less is less.

Scary adverts, redux

It had to happen. I was looking at a load of these adverts and started stroking my chin in evil genius style. Then I listened to my music and thought...

I should combine the two.

Scary adverts

Odd Estonian adverts are the New Black (or something) right now, and this one is strangely arousing. It's for ice cream, but appears to be an odd subvariant of soft porn. Mmm, Pinguin.

Oh, heck - why not? Harry Egipt, who directed this erotic masterpiece, apparently produced quite a few Estonian adverts. Here's a page full of them.

Primitive iPod unearthed

Blimey. It's a genuine archeological scoop. And haven't they gone up in price?

Six-legged frog

Exactly what it says on the tin. Quite singular.

A whole new blogging experience

In just one click.

Fiddle with this

Musically, I mean. Tim Gerwing has put his track "Stream of Consciousness" up for remix and is offering a cash prize for the most popular. I chose my words carefully there.

I may have a crack, I may not. And I said that about NaNoWriMo too, and didn't. See here for the skinny on it.

Time for luurve

Here's a special for February 14th:

Candlelight - 3:03, 3.5MB stream

It's all fingersnaps and wakka-wakka. Lovely.

Kookery Korner

Amazing: step by step instructions, telling us how to fry an egg on an XP.

This has come just at the right time for me; my frying pan crashed yesterday.

Jesus is watching you

No, really: Jesus is watching you.

Space is big. No: really big.

When I lived in Oregon I used to cycle all the way through the solar system. No, this isn't some Eugene drugfest hallucination here: I used to use the Springfield-Eugene cycle path that lands you in Alton Baker Park by Ferry Street Bridge - and in Alton Baker Park is a scale model of the solar system. It's big. I think I only ever cycled out to Pluto once. It's clear out by Beltline, I tell ya.

Anyway, for those of us unable to get to the Willamete River bikepath any time soon I give you The Solar System. A web-based scale model of the solar system where 1 pixel=1000km. And no: your monitor isn't big enough. It did my head in - and bear in mind I've cycled to the outer reaches of the solar system. Maaaan.

Collage maker

Have fun. Mess with people's faces. Add your own. Never sleep peacefully again. All that: here.

Seven Degrees of Johnny Marr

Oh yes. I like this. You know how Pete Frame used to do those Rock Family Trees that appeared in the late 70s in the music press? They were lovely, nerdy pieces of work showing how bands intertwined, evolved and created "scenes". Well, this is the interweb's answer to that - at BandToBand.com you can pick any two listed bands and see how they're connected by shared links along the lines of "George Harrison was in The Beatles, who was also in The Traveling Wilburys with Jeff Lynne who was in, etc..."

Mind-boggling bit: to get from T Rex to The Smiths, you have to go via Deep Purple. Deep Purple. Who'da thunk it?

Strathaven folk knit themselves a room

That's it. A old people's home's residents have knitted themselves a room. There are pictures, should you not believe me.

Tasmanians are funny devils.

The Veritas Anthem

My regular readers (you, and the other one) will know all about my lack of regard for that excitable tangerine-skinned islamophobe Robert Kilroy-Silk. And it seems I'm not the only one. Eclectech, constantly dependable in the "performing rodents" genre, has teamed up with Doghorse to bring you their very own Veritas party song.

The combination of playground 'I can be more childish than you' humour and a kazoo-playing mouse make this a sure-fire hit. I give it ten out of five.

Is this...

the most unhelpful website ever?

All I wanted was their Leeds Depot address. *sigh*

Biscuits... from a more naive time

Back in the day, I worked for a major insurance company. The job was nothing special, but I had some interesting workmates. One of them was the son of the headmaster at Lawnswood School, up in the northern reaches of Leeds. Head Temp (for that was my nickname for him, along with Noddy and Tallboy my other colleagues) was saving to go on a Greyhound trip across the US. Having ridden Greyhound, I can only assume he's lucky to be alive.

Anyway. Shall I get to the point? Lawnswood School was once a girls-only school, and has a website remembering those halcyon days before the lads came along and dragged it into the mire.

Of course, they had cookery lessons: and this is a sample, highly non-PC recipe for (takes a deep breath before typing) Nig-Nog Biscuits. Eep. Did I just type that?

Fancy another, Mr Kilroy-Silk? I can give you the recipe, Mr Howard!

Crime pays. Sort of.

Got caught robbing a bank in the Netherlands? Not to worry, you can claim your expenses back.

A theme develops here at Sp3ccylad towers

I think I've found my next songwriting tool.

Wish I'd thought of that.

Missing the point. Which is the whole point.

Isn't technology great? I have my entire record collection (and then some) in my pocket. My computer is a 2" thick flat screen. Yet sometimes we can yearn for the solid feel of an stereogram, or an Atari cartridge... In fact: here's one converted to a 128MB flash drive.

Brendan Dawes. What a guy.

Viewmaster for the 21st Century

Starting at around £720... Cripes.

The War On Aneurism

Incapacity Benefit gets named as the new Al-Qaeda one day, and pretty much the next, this appears as the Government begins fighting The War On Aneurism. And it's scary stuff, I tell you:

"A man who completed the 2004 London Marathon dressed as Great Uncle Bulgaria has revealed that 90% of those he was competing against were in receipt of sickness payments."

How do we sleep at night?

Sp3ccylad does Heathrow

Well, did Heathrow. Slept in it, anyway. That was back in 1991 and I spent some of the time telling the "My dog's got no nose..." joke in German to a couple of girls from Stuttgart. Should you be the type of person who doesn't mind roughing it to save a few quid then The Budget Traveller's Guide to Sleeping in Airports is right up your street. Even if a room without room service feels like camping to you, there's enough content on this site to entertain for a while...

The customer is always stupid

Damn skippy. Welcome to the world of people with a budget and no idea. That's what web design is mostly all about anyway. In my experience, many businesses want a web presence for the same reason little girls want ponies. Which is why I enjoyed this collection of Stupid Client Quotes immensely...

The sky is falling

Don't worry though, there's an escape route: through a wormhole...

It'll never catch on.

Collecting Nazi dolls, I mean:

"i have to hide them when my family comes to visit, or else they'll think i am retarded."

I know. Some people, eh?

Hit by a tsunami? You need Jesus.

The odd thing is, none of this rather depressing article actually surprises me.

THE THOUGHT PROJECT

An interesting site where a bunch of strangers got asked what they were thinking of in the moment before they were stopped and snapped.

Nice. Elegant.

The Thought Project.

I've written something a bit out of character here...

MP3, streaming, 3.93 MB

Could this be described as a proper song? Goodness only knows. Anyway, don't listen to this if you're in a foul mood, as this is almost distressingly perky.

Basically, what I'm saying is; "Dewdrop, look away NOW." Don't say I didn't warn you.

Blimey

iWant one

Or I would if they'd used a different font. You all know how I feel about Comic Sans. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, I give you iKazoo.

The perils of thinking way too much... or not enough

Oh lordy. I was faffing around looking for a guitar tab when I found this page. Execreble midi and a most half-baked set of assertions as John Lennon's (Just Like) Starting Over gets analysed to death. Badly.

Photo manipulation: the darker side

I wonder how Keira Knightley feels about this?

Ugly band

I need say no more. Go. Laugh.

Sp3ccylad would like to announce that he's now got the most badass mullet ever. Trailer-trash highlights, the whole lot. I'm not confrontational at all.

Teen Angst In Excelsis

There's getting angry at your parents, and then there's this:

"A 15-year-old Poynette boy is being held in Columbia County Jail for attempted murder after he allegedly tried to poison his family over a five-week period."

Now: that's not normal, isn't it? But: read the detail. It gets odder. Especially the bit about the closet. Hmm.