This is NOT an endorsement.

I was just listening to the 30/12 edition of DSC ("Podcasts! You vapid, trend-following fool, Sp3ccylad!" "No..." he replies: "I may write something on the subject tomorrow") and there was a mention of the Huggy Jesus doll. I ventured over and: hey, why spoil the fun? Take a look.

Good grief, that's one ugly toy.

Is it art or is it porn?

Hmm. That's always a tricky question. What do we do? What do we do?

(FX: A Fanfare sounds) Geeks to the rescue!

Let this handy formula included as part of US Patent 6,751,348 sort you out.

Warning. Contains complex maths.

Pushing the envelope, calendar-wise

I'm not a great fan of girlie calendars. Never have been. Not my thing at all. However this particular art form takes a new twist when it falls into the hands of CISA. CISA make coffins, you see.

You can see where this is going, can't you?

Yes, bikini shots and coffins. The two concepts collide in the most spectacular way. Oddly, it didn't immediately strike me as tasteless ("but then what does?" replies my regular reader) . And it's not some one-off abberation like those tiresome Yorkshire Dales jam-and-Jerusalem women faffing about with antirrhinum in their birthday suits. As far as I can tell, CISA's been doing this since at least 2003. Crazy.

Go on, take a peek. And just in case you think this is a windup, here's their product lineup, with coffins and calendars on the same page.

Classy.

It's just an mp3 fest, this holiday period

And the latest is a joy to behold. Shaggy meets The Beatles in a way that complements the both (and I speak this as a previously-admitted Beatles nerd of some 25 years brewing). It's joyous.

I always thought that the content of Shaggy's It Wasn't Me was dodgy at best, mysogynist at worst. Then I heard the joy that was Macca giving a way out to both parties - just as when his song was written, after a dream about his mum - and I just laughed, in the way you do when you know something is right.

So here it is. A rare treasure. Do take advantage. Please. (mp3, 3.5 MB)

The Graphing Calculator Story

This blog entry should start geek alarms off across both hemispheres - and I offer no apologies. When Mac OS 8 came out, it had a mysterious and beautiful application called Graphing Calculator. I used to marvel at the way it could graph and animate relatively complex surfaces in real time. This was, after all, 1994 and the PowerPC-powered Macintoshes were scarily ahead of their time back then - although that had as much to do with the interface at the time: a fact that may provoke alarm at Microsoft considering the continued stasis of Longhorn. Anyway, Graphing Calculator (below, and I took this screenshot this evening, fact fans)
was a bit of a wow.

The Graphing Calculator Story is a lovely story of the stupid randomness of many innovative processes and an illustration of the beauty you can achieve if you FAIL TO GET A MORTGAGE.

Oh, and if you're talented. Heh. Forgot that bit. Bother.

The South-East Asia Earthquake and Tsunami

A one-stop shop for information and sources of help/relief.

Bonkers Frankenstein Beatles medley

Mon dieu: this gave me the collywobbles. I sat down with this and tried to identify some of the songs (as some of you will have guessed, I'm a bit of a Beatles nerd), and it moved so fast and in such an oddly complex fashion that my head exploded and I spent the last 15 minutes retrieving bits of skull and grey stuff.

No, that's not true. I'm on the calvados right now. Although there is an element of truth in there that this medley did unsettle me a bit. Shall I stop drinking and get to the point?

OK here it is, hosted at my domain to take some of the pressure off the original hosting domain: and quite mad it is too. (mp3, 4.91 MB - good lord, that's the same file size twice in two days. Does anybody know the present whereabouts of Fox Mulder?)

Have fun. Seriously: I did.

The Bureau of Missing Socks

Looks like this is the government department I've waited for all my life:

"The Bureau of Missing Socks is the first organization solely devoted to solving the question of what happens to missing single socks. It explores all aspects of the phenomena including the occult, conspiracy theories, and extraterrestrial.

We offer support for the matching sock deprived, and, catalog, research, index and document all extant material related to socks since the dawn of the shoe. Our audio visual department is the largest multi media center in Hollywood and several sock themed feature films, television shows, and interactive CDs are in development.

We are entirely funded by your tax dollars expedited by matching cuts in the defense, welfare, and education budgets."

Best. Disclaimer. Ever.

Sorry if this seems like shameless self-promotion but this put such a smile on my face...

What do you mean, I have to wait a year for Christmas?

Because I want an excuse to buy my mate (and witness at my wedding) Jim a pair of Doggles. You know, just in case he wants to re-enact scenes from Easy Rider with his pet chihuahua.

It's more likely than you think. Trust me.

Who says music isn't free?

It damn well is when I write it.

Blue Shimmer (4.91 MB, mp3)

Make your comments kind ones.

Satire on eBay. An occasional series.

Very funny. Very, very funny.

And yes, I nearly did. Just so I could say I did. But no.

Annoying game alert

I do hope you've got a nice long holiday ahead. Oh, and no family, friends or animals that need feeding. Moebius Syndrome is one of those odd games that takes a moment to "get", but once you do it ends up a tad addictive.

All you do is make loops. That's it. Swivel the pieces around, join them up and watch them disappear for points.

Easy? I cackle at your naivete.

Yu-Mex

Well. Some things belong in "you just couldn't make it up" corner. This is one. Let the site itself explain:

"In 1948, the Yugoslav leader Josip Broz Tito (May 7, 1892 - May 4, 1980) broke up with the Soviet leader Iosif Vissarionovich Stalin (Dec. 21, 1879 - March 5, 1953) and Yugoslavia was on the brink of war with the Soviet Union. There were tanks on both sides of the border and Tito's regime imprisoned many Soviet sympathizers (real or just suspected). Russian films were suddenly not so popular anymore.

Yugoslav authorities had to look somewhere else for film entertainment. They found a suitable country in Mexico: it was far away, the chances of Mexican tanks appearing on Yugoslav borders were slight and, best of all, in Mexican films they always talked about revolution in the highest terms. How could an average moviegoer know that it was not the Yugoslav revolution?"

Who-hoah! I had NO idea. The site, covering Yu-Mex: Mexican music in fifties Yugoslavia has background information, MP3s and cover art from what must be the greatest cultural conflation prior to some blokes from Dartford getting into the blues. I put that last sentence in after a telephone suggestion from Lord Wells of Wrenthorpe, creator of the (now dormant) oddly wappy Craig Boardman's Boots.

(I discuss these links on the phone first! Had you any idea?)

This is a genuine treasure. Miss it at your peril.

(Not Craig Boardman's Boots. That's shite.)

That'll teach you just to play the drums

So, what do you do with your life if you spent most of the Sgt Pepper's sessions playing cards with Neil Aspinall and Mal Evans?

That's right: record cheesy Christmas messages for NORAD! Obvious, really.

Still: it's a better career plan than anybody else in Rory Storme and the Hurricanes had back in 1962: and it has to be better than Butlin's in Skegness.*

*Beatles nerd alert!

Nostalgia City

Not to be confused with Neuralgia City, which is quite a different thing. Here's a list of 70's and '80s toys that, when I saw the entry for Pocketeers, caused my heart to skip.

They don't make them like that any more - any bets on the first "Anybody remember the iPod" site? It's surely the Rubik's Cube for the new century. Even my postman has one.

Incidentally, when I rounded the corner and saw my postman trudging through gale force winds with iPod earbuds in, I felt oddly envious. You see, I have to take my earbuds out in order to work. He might be cold, wet and treated like a dog by management these days, but he gets to listen to his iPod at work. That's how attached to it I've become. If you'd told me 10 years ago I'd be carrying my entire music collection in my jacket pocket , I have worked up some genuine enthusiasm for the early 21st century...

MEAT Scented Air Fresheners

Please tell me this is a windup.

Banned Aid

By Saturday, Banned Aid will be all over the web. I give it two days before lawyers are all over it with sanctimonious letters on behalf of their obscenely rich clientele. In the meantime, have fun while it's still up.

And to save you the bother of asking, yes: I agree with every sentiment, implied or direct.

freespeling.com (with one l)

Richard Wade wants to change things for the better by liberalising spelling, and to publicise it he's put up a site called freespeling.com (with one l). Some may think it's a good idea, but for me it's like scraping my nails down a blackboard.

What do you think?

Poodle fitness video. No: really...

This has weirded me out a tad. If you have dreams like this, then some analysts would probably say you're getting better.

Why can't I just keep a confessional blog like everybody else?

Priceless photos of other people's petrified poppets

Were you one of those wet, annoying children who would burst into tears at the slightest thing wrong? One of those horrid sprogs that woud get spooked quicker than a bunch of horses realising they're going to a matinée performance of Equus*?

Yeah, me too. Once witheringly described by my eldest sister as a "sensitive" child, I can place myself in this gallery of children scared shitless by Santa only too well. Yet, on the other hand I find it screamingly, stupidly funny. And you know, Sp3ccylad: that's your problem. You lack empathy.

Hmph. Like I care.

*Ooh, get him and his A-level in English Lit...

Welcome to the History of the Universe

What makes a person take on a narrow, limited subject like this?

I can only wonder.

Welcome to "...not that there's anything wrong with that" corner

Ah yes. Here's an old favourite of mine. I was mentioning this to someone at work the other day: saying it was the kind of website that I found myself drawn back to over and over again, and that I found that a tad worrying.

Then, in an unrelated incident, I made the observation to a colleague on Saturday I was "...culturally speaking, a gay man nestling happily inside a straight man's sexuality".

Ledies and gentlemen of the jury, I present as evidence of the dichotomy that is Sp3ccylad: Mandonna!.

Only in San Francisco, eh?

Guardian Life Bad Science Awards 2004 (or the amazing shrinking water molecule)

Oi! Wingnuts! There's more to the Guardian than winding American right wingers up with jokey articles advocating the killing of the President in their TV guide (Abroad at Home passim). Listen up: you might learn something.

The Guardian has a great column in the Thursday supplement called Bad Science that debunks the crap we face on a daily basis from the 21st century's snake oil salesmen.

Rejoice! (© M. Thatcher 1982) They've handed out their awards for 2004.

It's both funny and tragic. There are people out there falling for this crap

Third nipple alert!

And - oh ho! - I bet this one isn't where you think it is.

Actually: where did you think it was?

Read this.

Right. That's you lot told. Next!

Pierced Eyeglasses

What's so wrong with contact lenses? This is making me feel queasy...

Get your signature iPods here

Excellent. I want the Ramones one.

The Beatles Christmas Records

Well, blow me (I can but hope). I only put together a CD of all of these the other day and now here they are on the web. For the uninitiated, here's the skinny: every Christmas, The Fabs would issue a fan club-only record with a specially recorded Christmas greeting. They were rough, off-the-cuff affairs that brimmed with humour and creativity - and (until recently) were moderately difficult to get hold of.

Difficult no more: just click here.

Enjoy. I did.

Happy Agnostica!

You what? Uh? Happy Agnostica? No, hang on: this is good:

"How do you feel about gifts during the holidays? Odds are, not so good. Have you ever asked yourself why? Gift-giving is supposed to bring great joy, and gift-getting shouldn't be such a shabby event either. But somewhere along the way, somewhere between the last-minute rushes to elbow those insane soccer moms all vying for the same vibrating fuzzy doll, or sometime after searching for weeks for the perfect gift for a loved one you now realize you know nothing about, it hit you.

This sucks."

Le Vic strikes again: this time with a corker of a link that has me blogging like a mad thing. It's simple and it works. Go on: who's going to be the first reader of this blog to wish a random stranger Happy Agnostica?

Train Spotting Simulator

Oh yes. This is truly what the web was made for - Train Spotting:

"Microtoss Train Spotting Simulator brings the power and excitement of one of the world's most favorite hobbies to your PC, placing you in the role of a trainspotter with unprecedented realism, exciting real-world challenges, and the tools to recreate almost any trainspotting experience in the world."

It's absolutely true - they've nailed the experience. Utterly authentic.

Pot Calls Kettle Black Shock!

Oh, this is rich. Microsoft are trying to make Brits feel dirty and unethical:

"British consumers have double standards when it comes to ethical purchasing, claims Microsoft."

Pfft.

Humanga Tongue Dog Toy

I didn't learn photoshop just to be outdone by a dog toy.

I feel oddly useless. May as well go to work, I suppose.

A dare for you

Sing this at your office party.

Dimples, wine and price

Some of my colleagues at work are convinced that there's a relationship between the depth of the dimple in the base of a bottle of wine and the price. I've listened to this theory, I've smiled sweetly and I've thought "bullshit".

Pity me. Tomorrow morning I have to go into work. Actually, it gets worse. Tomorrow morning I have to go into work knowing that they are right and I am wrong. OUCH.

B3ta board member and general funny geezer Itchy Squirrel went to Tesco with a depth gauge/pencil combo and a note pad to prove this theory and came up trumps. Very, very funny. The world of drunken maths geeks salutes you.

Warning. May contain formulae.

Ted Hughes Children's Book Comes To Life

Le Vic, one of the regular commenters here (and provider of fine cups of tea to the proletariat), dropped this link in my comments. I've just opened it up and I'm clapping like a child who's just realised she doesn't have to marry a Chuckle Brother after all.

As Frank Sidebottom once said: "if there's one thing I like more than robots, it's more robots." I can only agree.

Dr Colin Mayhew has built a robot. Not just any robot, mind you: this one's colossal, it runs on petrol and can stop a Land Rover. Watch the videos. AMAZING.

When I was little I wanted to be a scientist, and I got to do lots of stuff at school that slowly but surely put me off; the death of a thousand cuts, if you like. This is what I meant, damn you all! I could cry. The waste; the waste.

Yeah: what she said.

Ailee Slater, a student at the University of Oregon, gets all worked up about the grading system and makes tremendous sense:

"Personally, I have come to the conclusion that the University system makes absolutely no sense. Students pay teachers to educate us, yet they are then allowed to tell us how much we're learning. The whole situation seems akin to a boss paying her employee to clean toilets and the employee turning around and telling the employer how much she is or isn't happy with the cleaning job."

When I lived in the Eugene-Springfield area I used to love reading The Daily Emerald. But then I'd read anything that's free, as my wife keeps on telling me. Did that come out way cattier than I wished it to?

Mothers! Kids wearing you out?

Then I have just the product for you. Click this blue text. It's a hyperlink! Technology, eh? Cor blimey.

Oh, I've wanted to say this for some time.

However, Edward Cone has said it for me. You go guy: the floor is yours.

I apologise to those what have gone and done and seen this before, but

It's too good not to plug now again. God, I love this.

Basically, it's a series of languageless animations that are unmistakably francophone: even without the title screen.

Laties and gentlemen, boys and girls, I give you BoYshiT.

Woo-hoo! A knitted WHAT?

Woo-hoo! A knitted womb!

"It's not completely anatomically accurate. I've taken a few liberties with the general shape and scale, as well as leaving out the ligaments connected to the ovaries. And, of course, the human uterus is not normally bubblegum pink."

Damn skippy. I've been present at a C-sction. It's definitely purple.

Arthur Ganson- Sculptures

I once went to a gallery opening by the renowned Swiss kinetic sculptor Jean Tinguely (1991, Basel, about a week after the Happy Mondays played Elland Road). I remember it for three things.

1) Free beer AND chocolate. Woo!
2) A woman playing the tuba, solo, whilst dressed in a ball gown.
3) Tinguely dying about three weeks later.

I always hoped that was just a coincidence, because I could have been doing anything that night, giddy as I was on beer AND chocolate.

Arthur Ganson is a sculptor in a similar vein - and this is a page with videos of some of his sculptures at work. Catch the video of the Knife Throwing Machine. Funny: very funny.

Sorry for the lack of updates....

...I have a new computer. Well, when I say "I have a new computer," I mean the cat has a new computer. I just work it for her amusement. What is it about TFT screens and cats?
There is nothing I can do that keeps her off the desk which is, at the moment, the official British definition of New Computer Chaos - there are installation CDs, boxes, leads, two computers (that ends today, trust me) and some complete cretin of a cat that is treating the whole experience like home cinema.

Yeah, Muffin. It's all for your benefit. Enjoy.

Don't try this at home

Up until now, the only use I'd seen for helium balloons was inhaling the contents and shrieking "bollocks!" at perplexed passers-by.

These people - cluster ballonists - have altogether more ambitious uses.

Quite insane; yet oddly enviable. Reminds me of the end of Le Ballon Rouge.

Roadside America

Hey-hey! A favourite of mine. If you live in the USA or Canada and you don't know about this, then shame on you. If you're planning a trip to either and you don't consult this, then ditto.

Ever wondered where all that really ODD shit by the side of the road is? The stuff that's dying for a photo or that should be in a film? Why all you ever seem to see is the verge of an Interstate highway and YET ANOTHER truck stop? Well, go to Roadside America and answer those questions sharpish. It's almost beautiful. It kept me in thrall for two-and-a-half years, rendering me into a state not unlike that of a child with ADHD and FAR TOO MUCH food colouring every time we went on a road trip.

You should pity my long-suffering wife. Two-and-a-half years of "Ooh! Ooh! I've read about that! Can we stop there?" (Points at something indescribably tacky, like a beach towel of The Last Supper, only far bigger and worse) "Ple-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ease?"

Alan W. Pollack's Notes on ... Series

I am in a geeky mood this morning. Alan W. Pollack is a musicologist of some renown who started to write detailed musicological analyses of The Beatles' music in 1989. He started with a blast at 28 of their songs and then - an Everestesque aim - decided to take on the rest. 11 years later and the job was done.

Dr. Pollack's Notes on ... Series is a brilliant, dense read that rewards a long sit down with a bunch of Beatles tracks and some presence of mind. I've chosen this site rather than their original home because of the presentation, but also for Ger Tillekens' insightful writing that binds the series together.

One of the reasons I love t'interweb so much is because other people have got über-geeky so Joe Public can reap the rewards. On this occasion, it truly is a reward. In book form, I'd happily pay £15-20 for this (that's about a million US dollars now the currency has been trashed). If you listen to music or if you make it, bookmark the Notes on ... Series. You will learn something.

Linky Music Toy

Music is all interrelated; much like people from rural Lincolnshire.

If you're a bit geeky about music like what I is, then you might well see music as a series of interconnected circles with name tags on. Well, if you do (and if that's the case then I recommend checking into the nearest psychiatric assessment unit) then musicplasma will make you feel oddly normal.

It raids the Amazon databases and presents music as an "if you liked this, then..." kind of map that is almost hypnotic to watch. Hard to describe, easier to play with. Go on, then: what are you waiting for? GO!

A little something

And I know a nine-year-old who, I believe, would find this hilarious on a card.
Happy birthday, girl.

Shaking hands - the new threat to our health

I was quite attracted to the notion espoused in this wickedly funny commercial. Then I thought about it and... Maybe there's something to be said for tradtion.

Oh, and a random thought that will mean something to approximately three of my readers (like that's not 75% of them): isn't it nice to see Kirklees Council installing hot tubs outside Civic Centre 1? No doubt some vandal will come along, tip a load of compost in and fill it with bedding plants; but for the moment it's good to see a Local Authority taking employee welfare seriously.

Hurrah for Kirklees Metropolitan Council!

Playlist - Music for digital diversity

An Idea of the Moment - a club where technology enables you to be the DJ.

Tolerance, creativity, adventurousness and sharing. Four reasons why I think this is a fine idea.

The perfect gift

That's if you're into animated origami and you've got eczema.

The Little Flying Bum

Daft, puerile and blogged.

Quit looking at me like that. Yeah: like that.

Chimp! Karate!

Ha ha! Charate! Kimp! Charimpe! Krat! Ka! Kara! Karate Chimp!

Did I get a bit overawed there? Consider it a reference.

Boobies for Peace Advent Calendar

My blogging of the Boobies for Peace Advent Calendar is not an endorsement. I'm just saying it's there. OK?

This Godless Communism - a comic

Oh, yes. Two themes recently explored here at AaH collide in This Godless Communism:

"Treasure Chest was a monthly comic book published by the Catholic Guild from 1946 to 1972. Each issue featured several different stories intended to inspire citizenship, morality, and patriotism. In the 1961, volume 17 number 2 issue, the story "This Godless Communism" began."

It's a hoot on one level and a lovely example of the past echoing the present: how governments need fear and an enemy (however distant) to inspire loyalty when they have nothing else to offer.

Ah, screw the moralising: it's funny.

This is for you, ladies...

Sounds promising, makes a living in sales and marketing - a good sturdy Italian-American boy.

So: what's the catch? Contact Michael Salladino and find out...

Urinal.net

Pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. A site devoted to urinals. As the site itself says:

"The best place to piss away your time on the Internet™"

More engaging than you'd think. Why do you think I'm blogging it, foo'?

Official Homepage - Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea (DPRK, North Korea)

One of my favourite sites: ever.

When I was a teenager I had an odd obsession with really hardline Communist states - not because I particularly sympathised, but because I wanted to experience a way of life so wildly at odds with my own. You see, my experience of holidays up to that point was a flat in Bournemouth and taking the dog paddling at Swanage. Days out were Skegness or Dovedale. You can begin to see the attractions Albania held for the young Sp3ccylad, breathlessly fiddling with his short-wave radio to catch the latest news from Radio Tirane. Well, perhaps.

But Communist Albania has gone the way of A-ha and Power Dressing. When the '80s went, so did they.

That really leaves a very select band. And Joy Of Joys! Out of that select band, North Korea has a website! It's quite different, shall we say. Not safe for hangovers, it takes oriental luridity to new levels of utter badly designed pointlessness.

Have fun.

Happy birthday, Morrissey!

OK, this is just silly. A nice easy game to waste a lot of expensive computer kit on while you're at home, alone, waiting for the plumber to show up.

Let's crack on. Here's the premise. It's Morrissey's birthday, and well-wishers are showering him with gifts. However, some of them are a bit rubbish; and, heaven knows, he's quite brassed off.

So, presents drop; and your task - should you choose to accept it - is to push Mozzer away from the bad ones and into the path of the good ones. Tip: Guinness good; dead rabbits bad. Well, you never know - some people might need telling.

What? The link? Sorry: it's here. Sorry.

A really sad day.

You know you're getting old when the definitive landmarks that you call yours start to crumble. The people, the places start to fade away. And I found myself getting absurdly, stupidly upset this morning about the closure of a cafe, for crying out loud.

Not just any old cafe, though. This is Bewley's in Dublin. The final two cafes close at 6 tonight, the oldest having been open since 1896; but the real action happened at the Grafton Street cafe, a hangout for writers and artists due to its incredible beauty and central location.

Oh, and absurdly filling all-day breakfasts. Bewley's is in Dublin, after all.

Regular readers - oh, you know who you are; both of you - will remember that I have a slightly odd fascination with the Dun Laoghaire Springsteen swagger that is Rat Trap by the Boomtown Rats. It was not just a little satisfaction that accompanied my first Bewley's breakfast; knowing that, of all songs, this one had been written in that very cafe. The lyrical content, incidentally is startlingly at odds with the opulence of the surroundings; that juxtaposition makes the song all the more special.

And now it's gone. Or it will be at 6 tonight. I'll miss you, Bewley's: as will countless others. See what we're missing here.

Damn you, Starbucks and your ubiquity. Damn you.

Mummy! I'm scared!

In the "it had to happen, I suppose" corner of the web is nobscan.com:

"nobscan.com exists to show scanned pictures of male genitalia in flaccid and humorous states. It's not a pornography site - so you won't find any pictures of pointy projectiles on here...."

I'm straining to think of a job where this could be considered safe. At work? Best not, I feel.

PS. No. I haven't. And I won't. Promise.

P.I.S.S.E.R.

Easily the winner of "Best Acronym of the Month" for November, the AMAZING Product Information & Safety Superhero Education Rangers cover gallery has some of the most tasteless and awful comic concepts ever to grace America's newsstands.

Wince! As Captain America declares War on Drugs!
Fall Asleep! As you ponder The Wonder Of Water!
Scratch Your Head! As er... Sprocket Man cycles past!

As for Woodsy Owl, that's my own little Oregon moment. Bless.

Truly an odd nation, this. And I speak from more experience than most Yoorupeens, as I'm sure you realise.

Your chance to buy...

...an Impression of Jesus on a Fishstick:

"One evening while I was cooking supper for my children and others, things became crazy, the phone was ringing, people were at the door and supper was burning. I attended to supper then called the children into eat. As I was serving the fishsticks and fries I asked who wanted more burnt fishsticks with a chuckle. No one wanted anymore and as I turned the last one over I realized there was a face on it. I showed the kids and eventhough I was stunned this made me think... it resembled Christ."

Oh, good grief.

Homemade Sex Toys

This may get you sacked if you view it at work. It's an online guide to manufacturing your very own sex toys. Some of it is a bit obvious, some of it quite inventive. It's quite funny, whichever way you look at it.

Hey: here's a thought: why not try some of the ideas out and report back here? Think of it as a project, if you like - kind of like Grant Stoddard's consistently brilliant I Did It For Science column at by far the most intelligent sex-based site on t'interweb, Nerve (that's a recommendation, by the way).

I send a big shout out to one of my regular readers at this point. This is for you, girl.

I'm giving you plenty of time to get organised

This is a link to the official website of the 26th Annual Mooning of Amtrak.

I love tradition.

Any further comment from me would be superfluous.

Newsmap

Woah! What a toy! The Guardian has been known to do something similar in print, but this is quite beautifully elegant:

"Newsmap is an application that visually reflects the constantly changing landscape of the Google News news aggregator... Newsmap does not pretend to replace the googlenews aggregator. It's objective is to simply demonstrate visually the relationships between data and the unseen patterns in news media. It is not thought to display an unbiased view of the news, on the contrary it is thought to ironically accentuate the bias of it. "

I'll tell you something - this brings out the Chris Morris in me.

Glue Advice

No, your eyes aren't deceiving you.

This to That's mission is simple. To give you the best possible advice on the correct glue to use in a variety of household situations.

Tip: ask for advice on gluing ceramic to leather. It gets all tetchy. Funny.

What I did today:

1) Did some overtime in the office.
2) Had some friends round for a belated thanksgiving.
3) Got involved with F4J. We've stopped tearing foxes apart with dogs: now let's get our own house in order and stop tearing children's lives apart because one parent thinks it's a good idea to do so.

What I didn't do:

1) Buy anything.

The Antique Vibrator Museum

I rather enjoyed this:

"The electric vibrator had its inception in 1869 with the invention of a steam-powered massager, patented by an American doctor. This device was designed as a medical tool for treating 'female disorders.'"

The museum, I mean.

Ahem.

Vacuuming the Lungs

Ever had to record stuff for the radio and got all breathless with nerves? No, I haven't either. But here's the thing: Paul Ford at ftrain.com has, and he has a technique to get you through that whole nervy breathing thing.

As an ex-thespian type, I can vouch for this - and (trade secret revealing time) it's remarkably similar to Sp3ccylad's foolproof hiccup cure. It's all about resetting the diaphragm, y'see.

Nerves or hiccups: you'll thank us one day. Right: I'm off shopping to work now.

A little something that puzzled me.

I've been somewhat intrigued by a really odd poster that popped up in Huddersfield shop windows a while back. I never seemed to pass any shops that were shut, during daylight hours while I had a camera in my pocket. Until today. I was walking past Revolution when I saw the poster in a closed-down hairdresser's opposite.(click the image for big)


You're as nonplussed as me, right? I mean why would you want to bully dyslexics? You want to bully weedy types like me who read. It's safer, trust me.

How to do the sex, Japanese style

This isn't safe for work. Trust me. It's a vintage Japanese sex manual, complete with inexplicable diagrams and contextual oddness. Honestly, if this is how people learned how to do the sex over there, then it's a wonder the entire Japanese nation hasn't died out.

What is the birth rate over there, by the way?

Shaving Your Cat's Nose

It's been a quiet night. I suggest you learn a useful skill.

Knorks! Haha! Knorks!

Here was me thinking this site wouldn't be safe for work. But it is: and I'm both relieved and disappointed at the same time; a reaction which has, to be honest, surprised me a tad. Still, Knorks: it's all about a new innovation in cutlery which I hope will be taken up by all of you; if only so I can - at some point in the future - go to a dinner party and remark on the hostess's lovely set of Knorks in (relative) safety.

Click on the flash link for sales overload.

truh daeh ym sekam sihT

.sdrawkcab nur elgooG edam s'enoemoS !feirg doog hO

Signatures: they're a bit rubbish, aren't they?

I was in WH Smith in Huddersfield yesterday buying MacFormat with a debit card when I noticed they don't do Chip & Pin yet. I shrugged, signed the slip and noticed I'd not so much produced my signature as parodied it. Rather self-consciously I blathered on about how "my signature changes all the time" to the be-dreaded guy imprisoned next to the till. and then I mentioned this old favourite of mine: The Great Credit Card Prank.

"Credit card signatures are a useless mechanism designed to make you feel safe, like airport security checks. So my question was, how crazy would I have to make my signature before someone would actually notice?"

Believe me: it's pretty crazy. Feel free to leave a comment if you either a) try something like this or b) you're the bloke with the dreads and you want to say hello.

Hard drive security: the hardcore approach

Do you ever lose sleep worrying about unscrupulous people nicking off with the data on your old hard drives? Me neither. However, those of you that do worry about that sort of thing (a big "hi!" to Gary Glitter at this point) will be interested in this somewhat extreme approach.

Kids: get a grown-up to help you with the furnace. And keep away from the shifty looking bloke dressed in BacoFoil.

The New World Order's Belgian Conspiracy

Belgium Doesn't Exist. I knew that, because I wear a tinfoil hat at all times to shield my brain from the radio waves beamed by the Illuminati. But what about you, my poor, deluded, brainwashed friends; do you?

Secret Santa 2004

"The idea of Secret Santa is very simple - you pull a name out of a hat and buy that person a present. Your name is in the hat as well, so someone buys you a present too! Everyone gets a present! Everyone's happy!"

It's that time of the year again - and Secret Santa is back.

Go on. You know you want to...

Pikey? PIKEY?

Oh yes. Chocolate dipping biscuits called Pikey. All this and more at Steve Portigal's Foreign Groceries museum.

Aren't foreigners funny? I know. I married one.

The Dionaea House

What in the name of Mr Ed the Talking Horse is this? A spooky little tale that should teach you not to be so bloody curious? Is it the backstory for a movie? Is it a neat piece of fiction? Something with a bit if fact to it? I've no idea; and it doesn't really matter. I can tell you this, though: I've just read it and I'm off to change my underwear. Ye gods: this has BlairWitched me.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: The Dionaea House.

Don't have nightmares.

What the...?

If you've ever been to the hell that is Ikea in Birstall and bought something, then you'll be aware of the odd instructions that the Swedes foist upon us. That's nothing though. What's all this about?



I've no idea either, but it scares the man-juice out of me.

There's far more of that sort of culturally confused nonsense over at the Hall of Technical Documentation Weirdness; a site devoted to the oddness that masquerades as instruction. Quite the giggle. The Exploding Rat That Helped Win The War is a particular favourite of mine.

XXXplayboys

Well, well, well. Here's one for the laydeez, I feel. XXXplayboys is (improbably) fully clothed porn that is utterly safe for work; unless your workplace requires nudity, in which case you'll probably find this site is blocked.

It made me laugh. Just laugh, mind you. Ahem.

Sometimes puerile is good...

I've just come back from a mini-break. No, really: pretty much this minute. Anyway, you should look at this picture taken from the ramparts of Lincoln Castle. Quite spectacular, even though I say so myself. Look: it's high up there. I'm just pleased I stayed continent, never mind took a photo.

I also saw the Magna Carta and some of the most spectacular architecture in the world, full stop. But enough of this grown-up stuff.

How's about a webpage filled with pictures of people doing sweary fingers instead? The best thing is, somewhere in there is me. Oh; you gotta go now, haven't you?

Yeah: I'm back.

Think on this, three

Two more you never see in the same room. The source of all evil and nemesis of International Rescue, Noel Gallagher, and originator of Oasis's masterplan, The Hood. Come to that, when that dire live action film was being made you didn't hear much from Oasis then; did you?

Never mind Al-Qaeda: I'm a bit leery about going to The City of Manchester Stadium in July.

I'm just saying, that's all.

THE SOCIETY FOR CHICKEN LOVE!!

FIGHTING FOR CHICKEN RIGHTS!!:

"...Chickens have no defense against this savage oppression. They are locked into unsanitary and overcrowded coops. The living conditions of the average chicken are deplorable. They have almost no opportunity for education or help in starting businesses. They cannot worship the religion of their choice."

I used to live next door to Brian Friedkin. No, really: I did. I survived.

Guerilla Parenting

Have the sprogs stopped listening? Fight back in the only way that parents who were into the Tom Robinson Band in their teens know how:

"Do your children respect the hours of hard work that you invest in them? No! Children exploit their parents in much the same way that McDonalds corporation exploits the poor and weak people of Canada's rainforests. It's time to take matters into your own hands and force the little bastards to behave properly. The time for calm exhortations and promises of extra cartoon time is over. Use our stencils to decorate your neighborhood with messages that will make your kids behave and stop treating the place like a goddamned amusement park.

It's for their own good.

Warning: Police may confuse your activities with illegal grafitti vandalism."

There you go. It may not work, but the criminal record will make you feel better. Well, perhaps.

Singing meat

Don't worry: it's safe for work.

We have here a training video for Wendy's (the burger place that does square burgers, for all you non-travelling non-USAians) delivered in the medium of rap.

The ending will haunt you for days.

An Apology Or Two

Abroad at home was not updated last night because Sp3ccylad was watching the Spain vs England game. Sp3ccylad would like to apologise to anybody expecting an update who didn't get one (he'll also be away from the computer at the weekend. You've had your warning, now suffer).

He would also like to take this opportunity to apologise to Shaun Wright-Philips and Ashley Cole on behalf of the entire human race.

A complete load of bollocks

I wonder if I could get away with giving these as a present...

"We are proud to introduce Ballsies, the first line of jewelry that captures the essence of everyone's favorite baggy buddies. Strength, guts, independence, and attitude: Ballsies are everything you are, just slightly more bulbous."

It's worth a try, I suppose.

World's biggest origami penis

A report from Ananova:

"A paper-folding expert claims to have erected the world's biggest origami penis."

It's at times like this I wish I had a book to plug.

Adopt a Sniper

It's around this time of year that it does the soul good to think of those less fortunate than ourselves. Those who, through years of interference in their way of life while larger powers than their own governments play geopolitical chess with their lives, may have violently opposed political views to ours.

The Adopt a Sniper program means that these people can receive a bullet in the head from our boys quicker and more effectively. That'll teach them to disagree with us, won't it?

Donate a telescopic sight today, and you get to keep your adopted sniper.*

*May not be true. See website for details.

How It Works...The Computer

I love Ladybird books. Best thing ever to come out of Loughborough - even better than Louise Rainbow. When I was a kid, I took very little else out of the library. I was a literal-minded, near-autistic geek even then.

So I was dead chuffed to find the entirety of How It Works...The Computer reproduced here. This book was one that - if I remember correctly - I actually owned (1971 edition). I think it was a present by a well-meaning relative to attempt to "get me into computers." Stupid fools: what were they meddling with? Anyway: check out the small digital computer designed for the businessman, and imagine what his iPod looked like... My. How times change.

Dognose Heaven

T'interweb: Niche markets catered to since 1993:

"How many times have you wasted hours on end, scouring the Web, searching for that perfect picture of a dog's cold, wet nose? Admit it, we all have. Take heart, proboscis canis admirers. Now, you can find all the dog noses you could dream of, all conveniently located in one place!

Big noses. Small noses. Flat noses. Long noses. Black, pink, or brown. From boxers to beagles, from huskies to hounddogs. They're cold, wet, and ready to sniff your ear!"

Oh yes: you can die happy now.

George W Bush is the AntiChrist

On the other hand, this is a good point, well made.

"I submit to you that George Walker Bush is the ANTI-CHRIST. The violence and destruction that began when Bush first entered office, is now certain to culminate in the apocalypse, as predicted in the Bible over 2,000 years ago."

Well, maybe.

Tinfoil hats at the ready: it's Conspiracy Corner!

Oh, this is good:

"For over a year now I have been relentlessly stalked in a huge, extremely intense and totally sinister secret service operation. I am a total genius - the type that you only find in fiction - and just like in fiction, the State wants me dead."

To continue the theme I started yesterday with Steve Lightfoot, I continue with this completely inspired rant.

Don't ask me what the heck is going on here. I don't even remotely pretend to get it. Feel free to leave any explanations in the comments for this post. If you can be bothered, that is. I mean face facts; the country's already been overthrown.

Things to do when you're bored - a bumper list of pointless timewasters

I've been stuck at home all day. "Fine," I hear a voice in my head that I can only surmise is you; "Plenty of stupid links. We look forward to the results." You utter bastards. What am I? Your link whore? I'm ill!

I ache. My nose is bunged up and when I cough it feels like my chest is going to cave in. I feel encrusted in a fug of virii. So this list of idiotic, childish and utterly brilliant things to do suits the mood I'm in. Well, the mood I'm in when I'm awake, that is.

Guess what I just ordered?

Free iPod, my arse. Get a job and BUY one, I say.
And yes, I am having exactly those words engraved on it.

I should be ashamed but I'm not.

A public service announcement

It's for the best. On so many levels.

The propaganda remix project

The best art is often the angriest, which is why the propaganda remix project is one of my favourite sites. Micah Wright has taken a shedload of old propaganda posters and rejigged them for the New American Century. I'd call this angry and well-observed work.

On top of that, this man wrote some episodes of the Angry Beavers. Does it get any better than that?

I think not.

One of my favourite photoshops

I'm really rather proud of this.

The truth about John Lennon's murder

In the amazing Human Zoo that is t'interweb, I have a special place in my heart for the quite wappy Steve Lightfoot. I've known about Steve for as about as long as I've been using the web (which would be ooh, about eight years). Steve has been protesting, stalking and pamphleteering with a zeal and lack of conventional logic that is almost endearing. Why?

Because Steve Lightfoot believes he knows who really killed
John Lennon.
Find out who here: but beware - it doesn't make an awful lot of sense. Cuckoo!

Ulli's Roy Orbison in Cling-film site

I have a hangover and this isn't helping:

"Hello, and welcome to my homepage. My name is Ulrich Haarbürste and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. If you have written any stories about Roy being completely wrapped in clingfilm please send them to me and I may put them up on the site. If you have a site with stories about other pop stars being wrapped in cling-film mail me and we can exchange links."

It's a funny old world.

RoboDump 1.0

A practical joke, geek style:

"RoboDump is a robot. Sort of. And it poops. Sort of. Forever. A horrible, never-ending bowel movement complete with straining grunts, horrific gas, splashes, and pee sounds."

I want RoboDump 1.0 for my office.

I used to feel this way at one time*

Look at this! Neat line animation, neat song, neat singing rabbit (although the rabbit on the synth nearly steals the show). It's not often that a bunch of line drawings communicates emotion quite this well. I can think of far worse ways of spending three minutes than looking at this little gem.

If you don't click on the link, then you've genuinely missed something.

*Sp3ccylad would like to make it crystal clear that these days he doesn't feel that way at all. That was all in the past. He's fine now. Oh yes.

No: I'd never heard of the McGurk effect either

Apparently when we are listening to a person, we lip-read far more than we give credit. In fact, we actually modify the perception of what we hear to suit the visual evidence when the two contradict each other.. It's called the McGurk effect.

Don't believe me? Just plain curious? Try this little experiment.

Not interested? Move along, there's nothing to see here.

p.s. i'll find my frog

Oh, good god. Remember All Your Base Are Belong To Us? It's all coming flooding back.

May God have mercy on our souls.

The Jones Soda Co. Holiday Pack

They've done it again:

"Holidays can be busy and down right stressful. How can you squeeze in eating when you have much more important tasks like shopping, decorating, and partying? Well the makers of last year's popular Turkey & Gravy Soda have come up with a solution: the complete holiday meal replacement set equipped with a square meal, a straw, and a toothpick. Worried about packing on the holiday weight? Relax knowing that each flavor has no carbs, no calories, and no caffeine!"

When I lived in Oregon, Jones were my favourite soda company. Partly for their labels, but partly because they're more than a little eccentric.

Maman! Maman! C'est une Scopitone!

In 1977 I went on holiday to Seaton, in Cornwall: a holiday remembered mainly for Liverpool winning the European Cup, escapades with a beach canoe and my father's unpredictable temper. Oh yeah: and a Scopitone.

"Mais, Sp3ccylad: Scopitone? Qu'est-ce que c'est?"
Calm down Jean-Pierre, and I shall explain.

The Scopitone - a French invention - was a forerunner of the video jukebox that showed film clips featuring popular tunes of the day on a back-projection screen. I mostly remember it for a rather suggestive clip of a woman in a bikini dancing to You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate. I seem to remember she even took the top off. Look; I was 13. I was (and still am) quite easily impressed.

Anyway. I'd only ever seen one of these in my life until this site swung into view. There's not a colossal amount of content here, but there are some Scopitone film clips, including the goddess-like Nancy Sinatra singing These Boots Are Made For Walking - that's worth the admission price of itself. Well, it would be if there was an admission price. Which there isn't.

Sadly however, the bikini lady isn't there. Yet. Still: there's time, eh?

Things living inside people...

Don't click if you've just eaten:

"I have just got over what started out as a severe flu-like viral infection, feeling cold, sweating, aching all over, head-ache, nausea, loss of appetite and as that subsided the worst cough of all. Initially an irritating dry tickle at the back of my throat but as the days progressed it developed into a full on chesty cough bringing up copious quantities of vile, pus-like, foul-tasting, yellow-green phlegm. Several visits to the doctor and courses of antibiotics failed to clear me of the affliction but eventually the cause of my illness was discovered.... I had a lung-worm!"

I feel queasy.

NASA fakes moon landing!

This is more like it:

"Heroic images or NASA fraud? At last we have the conclusive proof! The image on the left clearly shows the supposed 25,000 of thrust generated by the lunar lander to arrest its descent. Yet in the image on the right, where is the giant crater this would have created? Looks like the complex web of NASA lies is about to unravel!"

What do they take us for? NASA! Tell the truth!

8 Queens of Death

Arrrrgh! As interactive puzzles go, this is pretty maddening. Place 8 queens on a chess board so none of them are in the line of attack of any other.

Grrrr.

A Royal Calendar

My eyes. My eyes.

This is SO not safe for work.

I don't care what your job is. It's just not safe.

Anyway, I'm known for my parsimony so this looks perfect. It's cheaper than a sex change and - hey! - I can remove it.

I can't believe I just blogged that.

My favourite bus. Ever. Am I a bit sad?

Just thought I'd post this for no real reason. I used to see this bus parked at the old Bus Station in my home town and it always looked too cute for words. I found it on the web and a little bit of me was 12 years old all over again. Somebody's actually restored it. How cute.

And no, I'm not a bus-spotter. I just like that particular bus.

The Onion | Nation's Poor Win Election For Nation's Rich

Offered with no comment. None. Nada.

Childish fun

Just Letters simulates a big magnetic board with lots of letters. Just like that fridge when I was babysitting for the Weinsteins that I wrote "FUCK YOU" on only I couldn't find another 'U' so I left it at "FUCK YO or was it "FCK YOU" and then I got bored and watched a video and only remembered what I did when I got a lift home with Mrs Weinstein who I swear used to flirt with me and she wore that short dress that rode up in the car and she let me call her Ellie and I got all tongue-tied and sweaty but the thing was that after the fridge thing they never asked me again and they always looked at me funny when they came to see mum and dad and I could never...

Sorry. Where was I?

Oh yeah. Just Letters simulates a big magnetic board with lots of letters - only the thing is, you're not the only one there. There's loads of people, all trying to do something themselves and ruining your efforts to realise their own. Oddly amusing and annoying by turns.

On top of all that: as a metaphor for the daily experience of working in British local government it's almost perfect. So you have't entirely wasted your time.

Cute. But wrong.

I am not entirely sure what market the Parasite Pals Stationery Set is aimed at. I can only hope they have their own, segregated shops to buy this stuff in.

I'll see you in about three hours

When you've torn yourself away from this.

Warning. Not safe for easily hypnotised people.

I went to a school presentation tonight

That's not very interesting. I'll give you that. I'm only mentioning as an excuse to post a link to one of my favourite sound files ever. To quote the finder of the file, Blair Sterrett:

"In general I really don't have much success in finding very many "good" school band recordings worth preserving or that deserve a second listen. Many people have come to realize that my use of the word "good" is very subjective, and often means "bad" or more precisely, "so bad it's good." And when I say something is "weird, bizarre, unique, off key, inventive, outsider, or incorrect" it means "good!" and exactly what I'm looking for!

With that said, here is the elementary school string section of The San Joaquin School District from their 1973 performance, "I Believe In Music!" Now here is a recording worth preserving!! How can you not smile or react to such a performance?! If this music had been played to perfection, it would have been tossed and forgotten entirely. It's the obvious human element that attracts me to most outsider music. Truly a favorite of "The Outsider Music Hour" on The Oddity Rock Radio Show. (Another worthwhile track from this record is the school band trying to squeeze out a rendition of "Tijuana Taxi" :)

A great key to finding records like these, that I learned from Otis Fodder, are photos of children on the sleeve. The younger and more inexperienced looking the better. I wish you could see some of the photos of these grinning violin playing elves."

This version of Popeye the Sailor Man (1.6MB) comes from an amazing archive of outsider music compiled during 2003 called the 365 Days Project, where a sound file was posted everyday for a year. I collected all 365 (this is #319, by the way), and I love delving into them on a regular basis - even if it does annoy everybody else in the house.

(Go on. You know you want to.)

Say bye-bye to your life

Solar Sling Shot - an oddly compulsive game.

Can I just say that I find the patterns that gravity makes immensely beautiful? I have a reason for that. Educated guesses why are more than welcome.

Believe what you like, just please: be consistent.

This little quiz, the Philosophical Health Check, is a little gift to the web from The Philosophers' Magazine Online. It asks 30 questions about your beliefs and feeds back whether you've managed to contradict yourself along the way. It's painless, fun and non-judgemental.

I'll tell you what. If I get 5 or more comments with scores for this test, I'll post my score here. Deal?

Update: I said with scores, Anan. And I meant from five different people. *sighs*

PawSense helps you catproof your computer.

Bet you wish you'd thought of this:

"PawSense is a software utility that helps protect your computer from cats. It quickly detects and blocks cat typing, and also helps train your cat to stay off the computer keyboard."

I'd also keep your credit cards away from them. Cats and eBay: The New Menace.

Anyway: what are they trying to say? This?

I love music geekery

Anybody here love High Fidelity? The book or the film. I don't care. It's one of the few films I've ever seen that takes the book on confidently, and is pretty much as good a work of art in its own right.

One of the things I loved about both is the sheer authenticity of the music geek rows that would regularly plunge the shop into anarchy. To many people, they're just arguments about music - not to me. It's about the soundtrack of your life and how it fits culturally into the wider world. You're arguing what shape your jigsaw piece is, basically. It matters.

And this labour of love would have started a mini-apocalypse at Championship Vinyl. A guide to the genres of electronic music, how they fit together and why that goes into gorgeous, almost trainspottery detail. Click and learn. It's brilliant.

I especially recommend it if you have kids and you've hit the "what's that racket? They wrote proper songs in my day..." stage. It'll probably inject a bit of humility.

Wired News: House Dems Seek Election Inquiry

Wired News: House Dems Seek Election Inquiry:

"Three congressmen sent a letter to the General Accountability Office on Friday requesting an investigation into irregularities with voting machines used in Tuesday's elections.

The congressmen, Democratic members of the House of Representatives from Florida, New York and Michigan, cited a number of incidents that came to light in the days after the election. One was a glitch in Ohio that caused a memory card reader made by Danaher Controls to give George W. Bush 3,893 more votes than he should have received. Another was a problem with memory cards in North Carolina that caused machines made by UniLect to lose 4,500 votes cast on e-voting machines. The votes were lost when the number of votes cast on the machines exceeded the capacity of the memory cards."

Don't get me wrong. Do not misrepresent me here. I'm not American. Over and above the fact that my wife is a tad upset, the fact that this election may or may not even be remotely accurate doesn't bother me that much. But tell me this. How can a country where gazillions of ATM transactions are undertaken with 100% accuracy give this much cause for doubt in a single day that has had four years preparation time?

For more on this issue read this.

I bet nobody gives a rat's ass.

Warning - Parental Advisory

I've just spent the last few minutes reading something that has left me a bit slack-jawed. My wife spent a few years living in the Republic of Texas in the early-mid 90's and told me a lot of stuff about life in the Lone Star State. But nothing prepared me for this:

Free People Read Freely:
An Annual Report on Banned and Challenged Books in Texas, 2003-2004

Oh, this is depressing. It was the First Amendment and its possibilities that sealed the deal on me moving to the USA in 2000. It was the slow eroding of citizens' rights that saw me move back 2 1/2 years later. Read this and find out what Texan parents don't want their children to read.

Despair. That's what I felt.

Go on. Try this.

Buy Nothing Day - November 27th 2004:

"Saturday November 27th 2004 is Buy Nothing Day (UK), the self proclaimed festival of frugal living and culture jammers jamboree. It's a day where you challenge yourself, your family and friends to switch off from shopping and tune into life. Celebrated as a holiday by some, a street party by others - anyone can take part provided they spend a day without spending!"

Buy Nothing Day is a day close to my heart in some aspects. I was brought up in a relatively non-materialist way - things were bought when needed rather than when fancied, and simplicity was valued over the throwaway culture. Some of my siblings have taken this to heart more than others with the result that I see us in two camps in this aspect - the "activists" and the "collectors". Three guesses what camp I fall into.

This is the way I see it. BND's a fine idea, even if you separate the global political aspects of BND away from the day itself. What the hell is wrong in simplifying for a day? It doesn't have to be showy, it doesn't have to be a statement. Just simplify. Go down the park. Read a book. Make things. Do anything as long as you stay out of the shops. Try and end the day with as much capital as when you started.

They won't miss you. Or will they?

The Cause of Train Derailments

UtterlyBoring.com: The Cause of Train Derailments: "A little over a week ago, a train derailed near Chemult. It wasn't major news as it was in a remote area, nobody was hurt, and very little was spilled (just some lumber). But Barney had somebody e-mail him with their odd-ball theory as to why the train derailed. It's a bit whacky (and long) so read on for more (and I'm posting this exactly as it was sent, so typos and errors and such were part of the message)."

Oregon! Home of the odd! Planet X? Uh?

Meow.

bananaGUARD

Protect your banana (no, really) with the banana guard.

Joel Veitch should be shot*. I always took his spoonguard to be a really good satire on the proliferation of useless products on t'interweb. Now it seems he's just managed to encourage the bastards. It's almost certainly the time to ban spoonguard.

Now, I'm off to get a proper, paper newspaper (My! What a luddite!) and then I'll lie down for a while with a wet spongmonkey on my forehead.

BananaGUARD. BananaGUARD

*Sp3ccylad would like to make it clear that he doesn't actually mean that.

Nude Man Carrot®

Vegetable Porn! Yee-haw!: "Read along as we discover the incredible story of this bizarre and lewd vegetable..."

Safe for work. Particularly if you're Esther Rantzen or Cyril Fletcher and the year is 1978.

Thinking Machine 4

Playing chess: it's not big and it's not clever. Actually, I stand corrected: it's not big. Unless it's played with those pieces you can get from Huddersfield Library. Then it's quite big. OK; so I started on a dodgy premise.

Anyway, I don't borrow the big chess pieces from the library because I'm worried about the ever-present spectre of chess hooliganism and because I prefer my public humiliation to be web-based.

Which is why I play this in private too. Why should I humiliate myself playing chess when people can read my half-baked burblings that pass for comment and erudition?

Ahem.

Anyway, with this, it's a cinch to watch the computer think; then you can ponder the strategy-free zone that is your own head as the tumbleweed bounces through it.

Humiliation has never looked so pretty. And believe me, I've had some good-looking girlfriends. Honest.

You so don't believe me.

Cheeseontour.com

Wahey! I've worked out what t'interweb is for! At last!

And here was me all this time thinking t'interweb was for this. Silly me.

Important news for home owners

Especially for anyone with a hangover: you'll wish you never clicked.

My life ate itself today

It being Casual Friday and all that, I decided to go to work wearing my b3ta t-shirt. I got talking to the bloke who works across the way from me and, after a couple of digressions he started to sing (pretty much out of the blue) Magical Trevor at me. After a moment's reality checking, I joined in. Enthusiastically.

At last. It's taken months, but my life at home and my life at work seem to have collided. I spent the rest of the day feeling like a pig in shit. It's really great when people empathise with you enough to find out what really amuses you. It really is.

An extraordinarily touching day, in retrospect. Sometimes, the littlest things are the sweetest.

2001...

That's ALSO like Royston Vasey.

I'm definitely developing a theme here. This features the voice of Reece Shearsmith who, when he was at Uni, was all of teh prize wanker. No need to be quiet: The Octopus died. On stage, mate. On stage.

Apology accepted

Sorry Everybody -- How Can We Make It Up To You?

Well, you could have a chat with t'wife. She thinks her country's gone bonkers. Poor thing. I thought the same way in 1983. It passes.

Eventually.

Love eggs- or I'll kick your face in.

I mean it.

Don't call my bluff here.

My head hurts...

FLASHRADAR FRONT PAGE: "THIS WEBSITE IS A STUDY OF ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIO FREQUENCY / MICROWAVE EM / RF / MW / MC / WC / SC /MIND CONTROL MC - WEATHER CONTROL WC - SEISMIC CONTROL SC RADIATION - WEAPONS
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BEST VIEWED WITH NETSCAPE COMMUNICATOR 4.7 "

4.7. you say? I'm on it.

Men snogging: the threat to our society.

As evidenced here.

Obviously this is just precautionary.

And there isn't going to be a draft. Oh no.

Feline Crisis

Feline Crisis Fire rubber bands at cats.

Well, play this first; then fire rubber bands at cats. Deal?

I am a...

...robot

And in some ways aren't we all?

PS: Always read the postscript. Always.

Hi!

Hi! H-i-i! Hi! Hi...

Quite maddening.

Poop flinging has evolved.

I saw this and thought of you.

Keep Your Jesus Off My Penis

This makes me feel better. Not by much, mind.

Is there a theme developing here?

Vatican sex guide urges Catholics to do 'it' more often

Your Super, Soaraway Telegraph says: "A Vatican-sanctioned sex guide is encouraging churchgoers to make love more often in an effort to offset 'impotence and frigidity' and address papal concerns over declining birth-rates among Italian Roman Catholics."

Should I? Nah.

Electing to Leave

Ah, the USA. It's like Royston Vasey.

I've won! (well at least SOMEBODY I like has)

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Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claims has been processed and your money remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 50,000 company and 30,000,000 individual Email addresses and names from all over the world. This promotional program takes place every three years.

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Anybody fancy giving them a ring on my behalf?

Ooh heck

I don't normally like linking to overly personal things, but let's make an exception.: "A couple of weeks ago, following the last presidential debate, I said some rather inflammatory things about George W. Bush in a public post in my LJ, done in a satirical style. We laughed, we ranted, we all said some things. I thought it was a fairly harmless (and rather obvious) attempt at humor in the face of annoyance, and while a couple of people were offended, as is typical behavior from me, I saw something shiny and forgot about it, thinking that the whole thing was over and done and nothing else would come of what I said.

I was wrong."

No, this isn't going to turn into a rant about the evils of voting for the wrong person. I just want to say that something similar happened to me. It's part of the reason my family settled happily here (so, we found a way to make lemonade out of what tasted like lemons).

Sooner or later I'll piss off two or three people and tell the whole story including the lame-brained episode of the hand-written envelope containing the typed anonymous letter to the INS; but until then, I give you this.

Ten Mistakes Writers Don't See (But Can Easily Fix When They Do)

"The list also could be called, '10 COMMON PROBLEMS THAT DISMISS YOU AS AN AMATEUR,' because these mistakes are obvious to literary agents and editors, who may start wording their decline letter by page 5. What a tragedy that would be."

Oh, this is good. No apologies for lifting this from The Presurfer.

Think about this, two

I've never seen Louis Walsh and Keith Harris in the same room either. I know this because my semtex belt is still hanging, undetonated, in the wardrobe.

Monkey.

Consider an infinite number of monkeys, equipped with an infinite number of typewriters, typing infinitely.

Sooner or later, Shakespeare's complete works will be produced. But consider the feelings of the monkey who produces a draft with a typo in the last speech of The Tempest. So close; and yet so far.

Come to this, if the above scenario is enacted then somewhere along the line there must also be a monkey who produces an exact facsimile of the 15th May 1977 issue of Woman.

Imagine that. Anyway, I'm off to surf a for bunch of monkeys on a finite amount of computers, typing finitely - for it is, after all, November.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...

The World's Shortest Blog

I'm almost electioned out here. The wife is getting nervous jitters and Ms Thing just rants everytime election coverage comes on the BBC in that oddly caring yet off-hand and foul-mouthed way that only 16-year-old American girls can. Well, the way ones that have spent a year and a half living in Huddersfield can.

Anyhoo, I don't begrudge people a past, but neo-cons do set themself up a bit on the moral front. All this is reminiscent of John Major and Sarah Hogg's "back to basics" thing. Doomed to failure as long as it comes out of the mouths of humans with all our flaws.

So someone, please; ask the question.

Nighty-night now.

Eep! The aftermath

Cat covered in soot.
Cat needed bathing.
Cat ridiculed shamelessly.

Another Sunday download

About this time last week, I provided a link to Go Home Productions' Rapture Riders, along with a list of instructions for a successful Sunday. This week, here's another GHP track to suit the more introspective mood I find myself in.

What happens when Radiohead and The Beatles collide? Karma in the Life, that's what.

Kick back and listen with your choice of intoxicant. I intend to be no more prescriptive than that. Enjoy.

Rock-Paper-Scissors-Spock-Lizard

"This game was invented because it seems like when you know someone well enough, 75-80% of any Rock-Paper-Scissors games you play with that person end up in a tie. Well, here is a slight variation that reduces that probability. (Note that for those of you who like to swing your fist back and forth and say, 'Rock, Paper, Scissors, GO!', might want to continue to do that, replacing 'Rock' with 'One,' 'Paper' with 'Two,' and 'Scissors' with 'Three.') This version is also nice because it satisfies the Law of Fives."

What "Law of Fives" is this? My head hurts; I need a lie down.

Researchers Develop Neural Prosthesis Allowing A Monkey To Feed Self Using Only Its Brain

If they manage to link this to wanking, then they could create a goldmine here.

I'd have it installed. I've started saving.

Eep!

My cat's lost it this time. Should I turn the fire on?

Think about it

Have you or has anybody you know ever seen Jo Brand and John Sargeant together in the same room?

Just think about it. That's all I ask.

DRUDGE REPORT FLASH

CRONKITE: KARL ROVE BEHIND BIN LADEN TAPE?: "Former CBSNEWS anchorman Walter Cronkite believes Bush adviser Karl Rove is possibly behind the new Bin Laden tape."

You know, Drudge gets some things wrong and some things right. There was the John Kerry scandal thing that backfired so spectacularly earlier this year. This one.... I dunno.

I remember back in the 80s I went through a fairly long period of taking no news at face value. Every major story seemed to have a degree of "presentation" to it, of an element of "I told you so" in every comment from the government of the time. I became an enormous skeptic during that period. The problem is, after a while it becomes very difficult to maintain a reality that chimes with everybody else. I'm not entirely sure what I'm saying here, except that I empathise with the politically committed of either colour in the United States. That's not to say I endorse views: I just remember how I felt reading news and ending up as my own spin doctor.

And, as a kind of companion piece to the above, I bring you the inevitable "it's a fake" page. And you know, they could be right.

Uh?

Japanese business man spend valuable time: "I never say that all foreign people is lazy. But I never hesitate to say that Jap is fucking hard worker."

Right! That's great!

It's only 8 o'clock but you're already bored...

The strangest selection of songs inhabits my head. Who the hell needs an iPod when you’ve got an internal jukebox like that? Well, if you’re offering, I suppose I wouldn’t say no. The oddest thing is that certain songs recur at the same point in the daily routine.

In order to get to work in the morning I have to cross what was once described in a recent letter to the Huddersfield Daily Examiner as ‘a soulless civic desert’. That particular correspondent was not wrong, you know; quite the opposite. And as the early morning bluster disrupts my perfectly coiffed hair (!) the same snippet of the same song bounces through my head without fail:

"Little Judy's trying to watch Top of the Pops
But mum and dad are fighting don't they ever stop,
She takes off her coat and walks down to the street
It's cold on that road, but it's got that home beat
Deep down in her pockets she finds 50p...”

Yes, pop pickers; it’s Rat Trap by The Boomtown Rats. Personally I think it’s one of the most underrated songs of the late ‘70s. I seem to remember it spoke to me at the time.

Now, I'm not about to get all down with the kids and claim urban cred. I lived in a semi-detached house on a nice enough corner of a Lincolnshire town. But the song said something. I think it was the ridiculous overstating of the 50p line that had the most impact on me. When you were living such a shite, uneventful life that finding 50p felt like it needed block harmonies to underline its earth-shattering importance to you, well, yeah: the bleakness was all there.

There was something about the playfulness of The Rats that just worked too. Johnny Fingers' pajamas, that Travolta/Newton-John thing on TOTP (along with playing a candlestick) and the generally anti-bullshit air that they gave off set off resonant frequencies in me that probably account for the song still residing in my head when so many others have gone.

I fired up Rat Trap on iTunes a few minutes ago and y'know, it still doesn't suck. It has a Dun Laoghaire Springsteen feel to it that doesn't tie it too tightly to the time it was recorded in. The true triumph of the song is that it manages to be both utterly mundane and impossibly epic at the same time. Masterful. And if I hadn't have gone to work this week, it'd have stayed forgotten.

I felt like this the last time I had toothache

Oh, the pain of the missed opportunity.

Votergasm didn't exist when I cast my first General Election vote in 1983. Kids these days! Hmph.

Not safe for work, unless your work involves giving sexual favours to voters: then it's just research, I suppose.

And, if you ask me, policemen look younger too.

I missed this. Bugger.

Guardian Unlimited: "Britain's geologists are about to celebrate the fact that the universe is exactly 6,000 years old."

But then, in reading this to the end, I found out that they did too. That makes me feel a tad better.

Battle of the Bulge, 2004

Salon.com News | NASA photo analyst: Bush wore a device during debate: "Physicist says imaging techniques prove the president's bulge was not caused by wrinkled clothing."

The Visual Thesaurus

"The Visual Thesaurus takes a unique, and remarkably beautiful, approach to presenting the results of a word lookup. Discover and learn from nearly 140,000 words, meanings and relationships. " Woah. Now this is the way forward. A java app that shows off the links between words visually with grace and clarity. Mind you, if I stumped up for the full version, would I ever get any work done again? Ever?

Penis shaped chicken nugget, IT DOESNT GET ANY BETTER

eBay item 5516776823 (End[ed] Sep-03-04 01:02:58 PDT) I don't know what's got into me on t'interweb. Last night I put two bids in for the penis-shaped potato plugged on the b3ta newsletter. I just seem to be hitting new heights of puerility. I pointed the penis-shaped chicken nugget out to t'wife who barely without pause replied;

"I prefer a penis-shaped penis."

That's the kind of directness I like. I always was a bit thick with nuances.

Apropos of this, my wappy psycho headcase of a little sister used to work in a chicken factory in Grantham in her late teens. I could never work out what made that job better than the dole. Everybody was on temp contracts and terminated just before they got employment rights, tendonitis was an occupational hazard and it stank. Anyway, apparently there was someone who worked there in the mid-80s who when they weren't gobbing in the bins of cooked chicken used to make "suggestive" chicken shapes to put through the breading machine. It got a bit more serious when the same person started "sabotaging" the nuggets with all sorts of foreign objects. Given how people were treated there, it hardly surprises me. No doubt when we get a change of government because the British people fancy being treated like underlings again we'll have that wonderful employment climate reintroduced.

I have NEVER eaten chicken nuggets in my life. I was vegetarian when she worked there and (although I eat meat now) the stories haunt me to this day.

Bin Laden issues "vote for Bush" message.

Bin Laden threatens new attacks

Nope. Read it right the first time.

The Word of the Lord must be legislated as Oregon public policy....

Measure 36 - Arguments in Favor: For the completely uninitiated: Oregon has a fairly low percentage of signatures needed to put a referendum on a ballot paper. The minority of militant "Christian" "Right" loopers can therefore mobilise their churches to get stuff like Measure 36 on the ballot. Measure 36 reads as follows:

AMENDS CONSTITUTION: ONLY MARRIAGE BETWEEN ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN IS VALID OR LEGALLY RECOGNIZED AS MARRIAGE

Dennis Moore is not only named after a Monty Python character, he is bordering on genius. He writes arguments for stuff. I thought his work in the Oregon 2000 Votors' Pamphlet was good. This, on the other hand, is fantastic. He takes lunatic fringe bullshit like Measure 36 and argues in favour - with hilarious results. Read his work and laugh like a drain. And if Dennis Moore offends you - well, I wouldn't read your blog either.

What a guy.

Oh, and make sure you catch the one near the end. Cracking.

I had an idea. Gosh.

I had one of those odd little ideas today. I was wondering whether the celebrity reality game show had run its tawdry little course when something popped quite unbidden into my skull. How does Celebrity Bailiff sound?

The format of CB is quite simple. Assign a pack of E-list celebs to the recovery department of a large Metropolitan Local Authority - and no, I don't particularly have any in mind - and follow them from door-to-door collecting past-due Council Tax and Business Rates. The least successful CB gets booted off, with big prizes for the winner's nominated charidee and a guaranteed shot in the arm for the winner's fame rating (possible elevation to C-list, but nobody should mention Mark Owen at this point).

Ooh, this is a cracker. It satisfies the prurient urge to see other people and their tawdry little lives, gives people the chance to have their 15 minutes of fame and satisfies our insatiable need to see people more famous than ourselves. Imagine Limahl from Kajagoogoo turning up in a sink estate in, say, Wakefield asking for payments on defaulted council tax.

"...And after the break, Vanessa Feltz gets, well, a bit of a shock in Lupset! Don't go away!"

Actually, start auctioning off the goods and there's even a bit of Bargain Hunt in there. I reckon it's a winner. Any celeb suggestions for CB1?

The Ten Worst. Cover. Songs. Ever.

The Observer Music Monthly had a stab at a list of the worst covers ever conceived.

Not bad, but they missed this beauty.

LittleGrayGuy

Welcome to LittleGrayGuy.com!
Er... Thanks. Naked ladies posing with a cat. What an interesting niche market.

Not safe for work, unless your work involves that particular combination: then it's just research, I suppose.

Smile!

At last; a useful foreign language resource.

Swearsaurus: "Swearsaurus is the world's largest resource of multilingual swearing. It will teach you a vast array of swearing, profanity, obscenity, blasphemy, cursing, cussing, and insulting in a massive 165 languages - because it's good to experience cultural diversity!"

Roger Mellie: this is for you.

Terminal Ennui

Left-behind thoughts
From a left-behind world
Submerged all day
Surface gasping as time stops.

One flight in the past;
One hop to the future.
And here I sit.

Reading the same words
Over and over and
over again
Passes time.

But this is no pastime.

"No news is good news", they say.
Mind you, no news
is no news
In a place like this.

Caught in time's amber,
Numbers lengthen.
Distances yawn.

Now I understand
Why they call
these places
Terminal.

April 2000, Houston, TX

accidental poetry - the writings of abel tasan

Twoof.

John Robert Parker Ravenscroft has died.

"...he was more like a favourite uncle than a rock fan": The stalwart BBC DJ of my mid-to-late teens, John Peel died suddenly today. Actually, to describe him as a DJ kind of misses the point: he helped form the musical tastes of successive generations like no other figure I've come across in the English-speaking world. God knows he influenced mine. I must have purchased more music because it was introduced to me by John Peel than for any other reason.

OK. He championed punk, gave UK breaks to Nirvana and The White Stripes and gave the first radio plays to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. That last one, I feel, was a seal of approval...

I can't believe this. I don't want to have to. I've just got home from work and I'm crying. Time to put Teenage Kicks on.

John Peel's influence in brief.

I'd like to officially declare...

..December to be

National Haiku Writing Month!
(or NaHaWriMo for short)

Can you write a 17-syllable poem that doesn't rhyme between the 1st and 31st December?

Have a bash! You should aim to complete a syllable every 1.8235294 days.

Get your first line completed by the 9th and you're on track.
After that it's the long slog to the 21st and the completion of the second line.
Get that done and it's downhill all the way.

Good luck! Your haiku,
shown off in January,
Should outclass this one.

|Guardian Unlimited US elections 2004

Reaction from the US to the Guardian's Clark County project: "Real Americans aren't interested in your pansy-ass, tea-sipping opinions. If you want to save the world, begin with your own worthless corner of it. "

I offer this with very little comment, but a lot of empathy for anybody trying to form an opinion with well-meaning people interrupting you with advice every five minutes.

My favourite letter? The one that describes the Guardian as a "beacon of hope." That person may well have to have their tongue surgically removed from their cheek.

TSAIEWDNBIFSWHTUTAAWTTTSTCOTFW

"Bush: 'We actually misnamed the war on terror; it ought to be the struggle against ideological extremists who do not believe in free societies, who happen to use terror as a weapon to try to shake the conscience of the free world.' "

Snappy! I always thought the original acronym had more going for it. Shows what I know, eh?

Early gigs were oddly quiet affairs

A rather forthright opinion

Abolish work: "Work is the source of nearly all the misery in the world. Almost all evil you'd care to name comes from working or from living in a world designed for work. In order to stop suffering, we have to stop working."

It must be Monday if I'm attracted to links like that.

Instant Enlightenment

Haiku-o-Matic

"am so bored at work
have just shot my boss in head
and now have the sack "

Now that speaks to me.

Such a revelation will probably have at least one person looking at me very oddly tomorrow morning at work. I always feel a bit nervous when I tell someone the URL of my web presence. Oddly, I think I'd feel safer having them rifle through my sock drawer.

Why Should You Bookmark This Blog?

"You should bookmark this blog if...: "

You are a lesbian
You are straight and want to read lesbian fiction in a nonsicko kind of way
You want to see if I can accomplish 50000 words in 30 days
You are really board and all you do is surf the internet at work
You have loved someone that didn't love you back
You have loved someone that was completely unhealthy for you
You dream about hedge hogs and losing your teeth

Oh wait, that last one is me"

All righty, then. I might just do that.

This year, NaNoWriMo could be one of the greatest spectator sports known to mankind.

Don't click the link, whatever you do.

Please, for the love of all that is decent and truthful, don't.

The Brits Go Overboard

BlueOregon: The Brits Go Overboard: "I apologize in advance for the non-Oregon nature of this post, but I just had to publish this where I knew people would read it and question the inherent stupidity...."

Yes: it's somebody ELSE getting hot under the collar at Charlie Booker's Screen Burn column in yesterday's Guardian; and this on a progressive Oregonian's website. Having lived in the Willamette Valley and knowing what progressive Oregon normally sounds like, you've no idea how much this disappoints me.

On the other hand, what is getting pantwettingly funny about this furore is that it's over a column in the TV GUIDE.

Honestly, you couldn't make it up.